Independent Mind

Don't Look Down

***Disclaimer***

This deals with the dark side of mental health and may be a trigger for some. Please, proceed cautiously.

Written on 2/28/21

I'll say it's the last straw. I've thought I hit rock bottom many times before, but this... this is my rock bottom. I'd say I'm in between a rock and a hard place, but that sounds far too gentle compared to how this feels. This... this is the final straw. I've said I can't take it anymore so many times, over and over again. And yet, each time I take more and more. But it's now, this very moment that I cannot bare anymore. Not another year, not another month, not another God forsaken second of this hell. Of this never ending dream that refuses to be a nightmare. Because in nightmares... eventually, you wake up. But dreams, you sleep until they're finished taking hold of your vulnerable and defenseless mind. So, this has to be a dream. It must be, because no one seems to believe that anything's wrong. No one seems to acknowledge that I'm miserable. And me... I don't want to acknowledge that I'm heartbroken, repeating heartbroken every god damn day. I don't want to think about the peace that would welcome me after a razor greeted my wrists, leaving me emptied. I don't want to daydream of enjoying an unspeakable view on my way down a steep ledge, or perhaps a rooftop. I don't want to remember how tired I am. How indescribably exhausted I am of pretending for you. Portraying that I'm this girl you know when in reality, I'm a woman who's a stranger to you in every way. I just want peace. I just want to breathe, for once. I want to say I'm living for you, but that's sad... wouldn't you agree? It's saddening to choose not to die simply because someone else would rather you live. But they don't understand that this isn't living. Dreading for the next day to come because you've fathomed already that it will be the same as the day you dreaded prior. And I hate that I won't let myself go through with my dark desire for one simple reason. It being that I refuse to die before I've lived. I'll either curse my stubbornness or thank the heavens for it, maybe both. All I know is that I'm stuck either way. Right in between heaven and hell. Stuck within the same day, the same week, month... hell, year even. I'm just... stuck. Longing for change while everything, everyone around me remains still. Frozen, but by choice. But where's my choice? Where's my free will I was once promised? Where's my opportunity to make mistakes until I've at last stumbled upon the right answer? Your eyes have watched as I grow, but you still cradle me like a child you used to rock to sleep. But instead of comfort, these dreadful days you smother me with pressure. Pressure to be a Christian-something I am, but quite the opposite of how you'd define the word. Because your definition of a Christian doesn't involve someone with love, empathy, or understanding. But unacknowledged racism, hate, cruelty, homophobic shaming, and a lack of willingness to hear anyone else's side but your own. And that's sugar coating it.

Why is it that you find righteousness in hate? If I were to be honest, you make me sick. I'm afraid I hate you for the person you made me into. The daughter you brainwashed in your image. I hated blindly and shamed strangers for being something I didn't understand. It is because of you that I will be hunted for my cruelty for the rest of my life. That I will forever be ashamed for how I treated, or simply thought people only because you taught me that we were in the right, leaving them automatically in the wrong. But I can't throw all the blame on your unnervingly light shoulders. I did have a choice. I could have chose to open my eyes and see what damage I was encouraging, but I chose to do as I was told... but that ends now. No more sitting back and watching as you preach hate, watering it down with alterable scripture. No more biting my tongue to avoid an inevitable fight that's bound to break out before the beginning of the end. No more holding myself back for your benefit.

I am who I am. I will not apologize for it. I will not wallow in you disgusted shame. I will not disappear under your roof when I'm meant to achieve beyond the limits of this town. No matter how much you criticize or try to convince me otherwise, I will live the life I know I am born for. And I'm done waiting for it to find me. I'm going after it right here and now. No matter what it takes, I'm chasing down this dream until it's my reality-or one day possibly, my nightmare. But a nightmare like that is one I'll prepare for and soon learn to handle. Unlike the bad dream in which live now.