Him

Note #10

Hey, 

it's me again. Crazy how so much as changed since then. You were right, he was a total douch. But he's out of my life completely. I found this amazing guy at the shoe store I started working at this summer. He's great, and makes me super happy. He means the world to me, yet why am I here? Why do I keep finding a way back to you? It's like, no matter how hard I try, you're still here. I can't get away from you. Every time I try, bad things happen. Douch from homecoming landed me three nights of detention because I was willing to do anything for him, including giving him my homework while he gave me nothing but broken promises and false words. Jacob doesn't talk to me anymore, even after everything we went through together including but not limited to almost kissing at winter ball. I went through hell and back for you, but to you it was nothing. My body is exhausted from nights where I could not sleep because of you. My heart still hurts every time I see you. But I can't keep living like this. Like I am not good enough for you or for anyone. I can feel your eyes on me, yet I can't bear to let myself look at you. Because once I do, the flood gates will open back up and I'll be consumed with everything. So I channel everything into these notes. I pour my heart and soul onto the paper, but it still feels like I'm not being heard. Everywhere I turn, there you are. Why can't I get you out of my head? It's as if my brain knows what you've done to me, yet my body is drawn to you. Just your mere presence bring everything back and sends me insane. My heart still feels connected to you, even though we're both with other people. It's like there's a connection between us that no matter what happens, it will still exist. The only way I will be happy is if I finally break the tether between us. Break the ripcord that has been holding me to the past. I don't want to say goodbye forever, but the only way I can move on and be happy is if I disconnect us. The words on these pages have been said over and over, and I need to stop living in this endless loop we've created. I can't keep saying goodbye when I keep coming back to you. You could care less about these notes, even though I pour my heart out to you every time. I'm sick of the restless nights. I'm sick of not being able to eat. I'm sick of feeling heartbroken every time we make eye contact. I'm sick of feeling like I might burst into tears every time I see you. I can't keep living like this. I can't keep writing these notes to you and hoping that somewhere, deep down, you feel the same. I can't allow myself to wait around for you, hoping that a stupid promise you made four years ago might come true. As much as I would love to be with you, I have to move on. There's better people out there for me, and I realize that now. As much as I loved this journey I took with you, it has to end here. I want my happily ever after, but maybe not with you. I want my fairytale ending, and I want us to run into the sunset together, but not if I have to lose myself for you. As much as I don't want to end this, I have to. I have to allow myself to grow, and the only way to do that is to get rid of my past. There is so much more ahead of us, college and all, and I know you want to go to Florida for college. I'm New York bound, I don't belong in Florida. Distance has never been easy for me. Being across the room is hard for me, nevermind across the country. I need to break my own heart now before you get the chance to. This isn't the end, but the beginning of a new era. A chance for us to discover who we are and what we want with life. If we find our way back to each other, it is meant to be. Until then, enjoy every second of life. I'll see you on the other side.

Forever yours,

M.G.

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This is the end of the "Him" "Her" era (for now at least)! Thank you for everyone who took this journey with me and made my story what is it. I am grateful for everyone who has read my stories and continue to. As I go through this thing called life, I've learned to leave the past in the past and move forward. This may be the end of this journey, but the beginning of an amazing future full of possibilities. If this story gains more popularity, I might start another "Him" "Her" complimenting stories on more present-day things. Until then, enjoy this one and read my other stories!

Stay Healthy and Stay Safe,

doglover571026 ❤