Monster

Berlin Wall

  The kitchen was cold as usual for older apartment complexes that were built in the mid to late 70s, Spencer really needed to talk to the landlord about the centralized heating, but for right now, in the early hours of the morning, or late hours of the night, whatever way you prefer to call it, but as of right now, he had other things on his mind. 

  Spencer loved Derek, he truly had ever since he had walked into the BAU doors, but that didn't change the fact that Spencer didn't want Derek thinking of him any less. Yes, he knew about Derek's past, how Carl Buford had molested him at such a young age, getting him drunk on cheap wine, something that Derek will never forget the taste of, but he still couldn't bring himself to tell Derek everything. Spencer scratched at his forehead nervously,  his long nimble fingers shaking, almost twitching as he tried to avoid eye contact with Derek, who was measuring out coffee, filling the filter, pouring water into the little opening into the back. 

"So, Pretty Boy, " Derek smirked leaning against the counter that the coffee maker was on, the same coffee maker not even 24 hours ago Spencer had stood in front of,  shocked out of his wits and broke a coffee cup, intending to use a shard as a makeshift dagger, or more like shank. "Talk to me. I'm not gonna push you or nothing, but I'm here for you. I always have been, and I always have been." 

Spencer stood, his hands running through his hair, looking down at the floor, his socks contrasting with the Emser tile, curling his toes and then uncurling them. "You... You left Derek. You left and went to SWATT when things got tough. You left to live a better live, you left us, you left... me. Derek, you left me alone. You were, you are my bestfriend. Everything went down hill." Spencer looked up at Derek, showing his doe eyes, tears lining the lids of his soft eyes, the bags more prominent now then before in the dim light. "When you got with Savannah, it slowly started to kill me. I began to drink, not that often at first , but enough to get the idea of you with her out of my head. The idea of you with someone else out of my head." 

"Spencer, I didn't know you felt like that. I didn't know even know that you had feelings for me, but if you would have said something I would have cut it off immediately. I love you, pretty boy, I always have." Derek stressed, calloused hand found it's way to Spencer's shoulder, squeezing it to empathize his words. 

  "Derek, please." Spencer whispered, looking back down at his feet, a tear escaping the puffy lids, as he sniffled. "It got worse, the drinking did of course, when the medication stopped working with my mother. Of course I would have called or texted, but my better judgment told me not to, so I didn't tell you since I didn't want to bother you with my issues. When I got arrested in Mexico, yeah logically I could have told someone where I was going, but the only person I would have told was you, so when I woke up, drugged and confused, I was looking for you, but I couldn't find you. So... when I was arrested and sent to the federal penitentiary... I had no desire to put you on the visitation list since I thought you wouldn't come, invested in Savannah and your perfect little life." Spencer sighed, the tears falling, but he didn't falter.  He took a shaky breath and continued, " When I arrived, I was 'fresh meat', the new kid, and I didn't look like the others. I was naïve, and I would do anything to make sure that no one else got hurt. It was no surprise when it happened. I mean look at me," 

Spencer motioned up and down his body, Derek looked at him, confusion in his face until a wave of understanding washed over him. "Spencer... don't tell me," Derek whispered, more to himself. 

"It didn't happen as bad at first, it was just one of them. One man, holding me down. Telling me how much of a bitch I am, how pretty I am as I take his cock. Then it moved to two. As they used me over and over again until I just became numb. I stopped screaming Derek, I became used to it again. I became  a shell of myself. And you know the worst part was, I started to murmur your name to help me, to save me. Sometimes, just thinking about your strong arms wrapped around me, holding me tight, would make me finish, making a mess of myself as they laughed and called me degrading names. The other men in the cells across watched, I saw them masturbating to my pain Derek. I saw them get off on it, and I just watched it like an out of body experience." At this Spencer fell to his knees, unable to keep himself up, tears, sobs, fell down his cheeks, as his hands shook, holding himself on the ground. Derek watched, with tear filled eyes, opening and closing his mouth, like a gasping fish, but not wanting to interrupt the younger man as he let his walls crumble.