Not Since Then

Seulbi

Leaving my home country, Seoul, wasn’t in my list of things to do when I turn 16. But I left. I left the country I learned to call my home once again.

As they say, what we expect never happens. Unexpected is the new expected.
I learned this the hard way.

Even when my parents told that we would leave the country where I made memories I despise, I never expected myself to be this sad. After all this was what I wanted.

Right?

Deep inside, I knew that I never felt at home before. Anywhere.

I don’t know why.

Why do I keep on repeating the same mistakes. Why do I trust so blindly. Why my life seems to be an endless loop that keeps on becoming worse day by day.

Why I am sitting here with a pack of suicide pills in my hand.

I had never even thought that I could be depressed. My parents don’t even believe that depression exist. I hadn't believed in mental illness until now.

We never believe in anything until we experience it first hand. I could eat this pills right now and everything will end. All my pain, sadness and frustration will go away. My numbness will leave. My guilt won't haunt me anymore.

Then why am I not eating these pills?

I looked at the pills in my hand and sighed. I was still afraid.

I could go and call me parents right now. I can tell them the what happened. I can tell them the truth. For once.

But I don’t. I never do the right thing.

I want to. Bug I can’t. When I try, I stutter. I gasp. My voice doesn’t work. I looked at the mirror. Dyed blond hair, a heart face and small eyes, black and dull. I was looking pale. Too pale. But I was always pallid. I was always different.

“Really?” I asked, faking my excitement.

“Yeah.” Jing said, a crimson color coating her cheeks.

“That is so cute!” I gushed, like any true friend would do. But it wasn't cute. It was downright creepy.

“I know right!” She said smiling widely.

He’s not a good guy. He’s bad news. I know that very well. But I keep my mouth shut. He’s worse than a player. He’s dangerous. Maybe a drug addict. And that guy's a plain old ‘rooster.’ (It's a slang for perverts.)

But I don’t tell her any of this.

I never do.

I tell them whatever pleases them. Even though I know that I’m lying. I’ve been lying for a long time now. If I tell Jing the truth, she won't believe me. If she push me away, I won’t be able to help her recover when she finally learns the truth. The hard way.

Like I did.

“Hey!” Our friend, Kim said walking towards us, her bag dangling low on her back. She too had a ‘special someone.’ Sadly though.

“What are you guys getting all hyped about?” She asked. She must have seen Jing blushing and me gushing.

Hey, that rhymes!

“Ah yes.” Jing said and started the story once again. About her amazing ‘boyfriend.’

My stomach felt nauseous. I couldn’t breath.

She’s lying. She’s lying. She’s lying. She's lying.

She's lying.

Lies.