Light [ENG]

Light

In the silence of your room, in the depths of that abyss in which you are lying, the deep anguish that is enveloping you slowly gives way to another feeling that you have never felt.
Bitterness.
It's a different form of sadness. What happened still burns deep inside you, but now it's different. A sense of resignation mixed with anger is dominating your soul: resignation that has erased any sign of belief in the future, anger towards this environment that has done nothing but make your existence more complicated.
The meaning, the important value of the work you learned before you were catapulted into this world never had a reason to exist. It was your mistake to fool yourself, to get attached to someone and to believe that that bond would last forever.
It's only now that you understand the meaning of your first senpai's words, about suppressing emotions to work.
Perhaps, in this world, you are the inadequate one.
You begin to think that you are the one who is wrong, because you have always had different thoughts and expectations than most of the people you have met. You begin to think that you shouldn't have been born into this world, because unlike other colleagues, you never wanted to be influenced by the rush of events and adapt to this hostile environment, keeping your mind clear that was crowded with those countless "Why?" to which you could never find an answer.
But even if that were the case, if even one of those questions would have been logically answered...what would have been the point of keeping working?
For the improvement of the world? For personal satisfaction?
No - by now you know very well that there is no such thing. Your efforts, the sacrifices that have been made... have been for nothing. It is like no one - and especially the entire organism - really cares about the countless energies you devote to your work every day: it's as if this environment is feeling indifference towards you, standing by and observing you without blinking an eye, with coldness... or, probably, even contempt, since all of you are in this hell by its own will.

But will he... really be aware of our existence? Of our suffering? Of whatever we feel or think? That everything he is doing is destroying us... indeed... is destroying him as well?

Perhaps it's not at all, and that is what is bringing your soul the greatest bitterness.
At this point, an insidious thought begins to make its way into your mind.

Enough.

With this thought increasing its echo minute by minute, you finally get out of your bed and go to the balcony of your house. From the gray clouds you can see from afar, you realize that another fierce battle is taking place in that direction, causing more innocent victims to be involved, against their will.

I...

You feel more and more lost, in this world in which you can no longer find the reason you were born.
It would have been useless to continue working. You can't do it anymore, not after what happened, not after betraying the trust of those who had always believed in you.
To become close to other people... not even. In a blink of an eye, your thoughts fly to your kohai, to their look of confidence and optimism towards the work they are doing - the same look you too had when you started to carry out that important task assigned to you.
Sooner or later... they too...
On the other hand, you no longer feel you have the right to be their teacher. What could you teach them, if right now you are feeling yourself to be a bad example of life?
Right you, who in the eyes of everybody seemed to be a person to be admired: a tireless worker, who always managed to put into practice everything you had learned in the past; a kind and helpful person with others, able to lighten the workload of those who came after you and still have so much to learn.
Right you, who seemed so innocent... and yet, you feel tainted with a grave guilt: you were responsible for the death of your best friend, and you were one step away from endangering the lives of your colleagues.
What kind of a model worker could you be if all you've done so far is betray the trust of those who have always believed in you? You've made far too many mistakes... and, yes: you come to think so.
Perhaps it would be better if...
So your mind gets more and more clouded, falling into the deepest darkness of that abyss that had enveloped it.
You turn your back on that distant scene of bloody struggle and return to your room. You look around, taking a fleeting glance at every detail of that corner where you have been hiding until now, far from this tragic world.
The last object you stop and look at is that photograph, which had landed on the floor in a fit of rage as soon as you returned to your home.
You feel like crying again, but you try to nip in the bud all those tears that want to flow from your still shiny eyes. In front of that image full of joy you repeat in thought a non-stop «I'm sorry», perfectly aware that even if those words had left your lips, they would have never reached the person to whom they were addressed... because that person is no longer able to hear your voice, ever again.
And this causes you even more pain.
You hardly look away from that photograph and leave it there, without putting it back in its place; then you head for the front door. This time you don't wear your jacket and hat, as you have always done: you think you won't need them for what you are planning to do.
After all... you're not going back to work. You're just not able to do it anymore.
In a case like this, when you no longer have the ability to perform your duties to the best, there is only one thing left to do.
The last, extreme act.