I've missed you since we met

5.

I didn't sleep much that night. Something kept me from falling asleep, but I couldn't figure out what. Most of the time i immediately sense what my thoughts are fixated on, and they just don't let go. But this time I felt surrounded by a guilt almost. The unknowing scared me the most, like a noose was going to tie around my neck and suddenly tighten - late after I've made a mistake I thought was a right turn. 

Outside the window I could see the flickering lights of the city, always awake. Even during the dark of the night. I held my breath, listening to the buses stopping across the street. I could hear the doors opening, letting people in, but also allowing people to go out, and letting fresh air in to the system.

I wish I were a bus.

When I woke up there were many unread messages on my phone. Many more than I had ever gotten. My stomach turned at the thought. Anytime a message comes up i try to tell myself there is an urgency to attend, something that needs to be taken care of right then and there. Like I can avoid the converation for eternity, always assuming it's something bad or stressful. Then after I eventually check it there is no problem, I love talking to people, moreso in person, but messages work fine. 

I reach for the phone while everything still looks blurry, but I manage to read something.

"Hey"

"It's me, Noah"

"I hope it's the right number"

"Laura?"

"Oh shit, IM SO SORRY. I forgot it's like literally 7 in the morning. Just wanted to let you know I sort of planned the day"

"But I don't want to spoil too much yet, maybe. I don't have much experience being a guide."

"I'm so sorry, I don't want to scare you away this early."

"I promise this is the last text, but I thought we could start the day by swinging by this nice place for breakfast. If you want to of course. Text me whenever you're ready and I'll meet you"

As much as I didn't want to admit it, I was smiling at my phone like never before. Seeing small gestures like those makes my heart warm. People are adorable.

My throat tensed up as I brushed my teeth. Everything felt warm, except my fingertips. They were oddly cold and a tingling sensation pulsed through them. Everything I tried to grab just slid out of my grip, like a bar of soap when you really need it.

This always happens when I overthink. By now I must be an expert at a most useless profession. I constantly worry about doing something that comes off as embarrassing or weird, about people not liking me or about losing friends. Past experiences taught me a lot, but the hurtful way. 

I used to be one to stick with people even if they were manipulative. For a long time I felt guilty, almost traitorous. At the worst point, whenever someone was manipulating me, I really did believe it when they said that I was the cause. And I believed it every time. And I repeatedly hurt myself by pushing people I was close with away, avoiding emotions, conversations, only looking for further shaming of myself. And even though so much had changed for the better, there was always a shadow from the past following me, and it affected every choice I made, every emotion I decided to hide, every tear I didn't cry because I always felt like I had no right to complain or be angry at anyone around me. Until my chest felt hollow, and there were no tears coming.

However they do say life is crazy. Until not long ago I didn't believe it. Nothing in my life had seemed extraordniary. But then again you learn it the hard way. It's all about perspective, and I struggled with changing mine.