Before It Ends.

Chapter 1: Lost

Trigger warning: this book involves a lot of talking about depression and suicide.

,,Are you ready?"

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and said ,,I don't kno- am I?" Once I opened them, single tear rolled down my cheek. I quickly wiped it off and continued ,,This is it. This is what I have always dreamed of. This is the moment that I was waiting for my whole life.. then why does it feel so wrong?" I looked at the girl in front of me. She didn't know. In fact, even I didn't know ,,I guess I just imagined it to be totally different, with everyone I love by my side. But maybe- but maybe that wasn't the case for me. Maybe this all was supposed to happen, right?" By now every single member of the crew was staring at me. After that I went silent. Everything went silent.

Just me, just me in a room full of strangers. About to tell my life story. I'm about to tell them about everything that went wrong and about everything that went right. I'm about to tell them why do I hate my life so much when I'm living the dream. To most people dream, to me endless nightmare.

Nightmare.

I locked myself in that nightmare. In that prison. In that box. I was the one who locked me in.. or was I? Maybe it was the guilt, the sadness, the pain, the fear or maybe all of it.

I have the keys to that prison. I can unlock the door if I wanted to. But do I want to? Would I know what to do outside the cell? Is there happines? How does it look like? Should I be scared of happy? I guess I am. I am scared of happy, every time I was happy it died.

,,Ash" I was snapped out of my thoughts by my bestfriend.

Lauren and i have been best frinds for some time now. She's been there for me ever since we met in Paris. I went to France for my solo trip when i turned 18. My mom always wanted to go to France, actually we were suppose to go together, but she didn't have enough time. That was her last wish before she passed away, for me to go to France and explore it for her. I wasn't planning on coming back home after that.

When I was younger I made a list of things I wanted to do before i die. I called it the 'before it ends' list, but almost everything on that paper involved my mother. Now my mom was gone, so was my reason to live. Going to France was the last stop before i thought i would be with her again, because what was the point of coming home, when there was no home? I had no one.

My mom died because of a cancer, my bestfriend was in a car accident, my dad left when i was a baby and i didn't have friends. I had no one.

I was constantly thinking that if i wanted to die.. there would be no one to write a suicidal letter to.

,,Are you okay?" Lauren asked with concerned expression.

,,Yeah" i gave her a weak smile. She knew that I wasn't. She hugged me. We were hugging for few seconds until she let go, i smiled at her, said a quiet 'thank you'. After that I turned to the interviewer and said ,,i think we can start now"

FLASHBACK

It was my second day in Paris. I didn't know where I was going, where I was at, for how long was I staying or what was I even doing. Only thing I knew was that my biggest idol was in the same city as me. Lauren Jauregui, the girl who already saved my life once. I wanted to meet her and thank her for it..

So that's what I did. I found out where she would be doing an interview and went there. To be honest I was so scared of it. I was thinking if I should only say hi, if I should ask her for picture or if i should start a conversation. That was when I saw her. She was even more beautiful in person.. I thought it was impossible but mannn I was so wrong. I started thinking that this is the moment that I was waiting for, for so long. I should just go all in, right? So I made my way straight to her and said..

,,hey, this will sound probably a little bit crazy, and i know you are busy, but can I maybe buy you a coffee? I'm a big fan and just buying you coffee would make my life complete" once i stopped rambling I looked up to her. She was smirking. Not gonna lie in this moment i would probably be too. She didn't say anything. I realised that what i said was probably the worst thing that i could have come up with.

,,okay, wait. Give me one more try, that was like.. super bad" i said, meeting her eyes once more. She laughed and while smiling she finally said.

,,you're cute" i smiled ,,yeah, i would like to have a coffee with you" she said.

,,no way! Okay, okay i should just chill the heck out rn. Did i just said that out loud? Okay.. we should just- you know uhhh go?" She was laughing so much while i was trying not to die from embarrassment. ,,I'm not ussualy like this. I'm sorry"

,,You have nothing to be apologizing for" i met her eyes for a moment. What she didn't know was the fact that she was completing my life. Meeting Lauren Jauregui was the last thing on my "before it ends" list.

After few minutes we finally found coffee shop. It didn't took long, there are coffee shop literally everywhere in Paris. I opened the doors for lauren, she said quiet 'thank you' and went straight to the line. I was right behind her, thinking about what would i get.. then it hit me. I don't drink coffee. I laughed at myself. Lauren looked right at me and i immediately stopped. She gave me that 'what are you laughing at' look.

,,i'm sorry, i'm just laughing because i'm such an idiot" I giggled and she did too.

,,why? What happened?" She asked. I looked at the menu then back at her.

,,i forgot i don't drink coffee.. but it's okay I'll get tea or sum" she looked at me, was silence for a second and then she started laughing hysterically. She couldn't stop. I didn't think it was that funny but at some point i started laughing too. Everyone was looking at us like we were crazy. We only stopped because we were next in line to order.

Still searching for oxygen i asked Lauren ,,sooo what are you having?"

Lauren took a deep breath and said ,,i will have the iced Latte Macchiato, please" and smiled.

I smiled back and went to order. Lauren right behind me. ,,hello, can i get one iced Latte Macchiato and one iced matcha tea?"

The barista looked at me then at Lauren and said ,,here or takeaway?" I was just about to say takeaway when Lauren cut me off.

She looked at the barista and said ,,here, please" and then smiled at me.

That was it.. Lauren Jauregui wanted to hang out with the outcast named Ashley.

What I didn't know at that time was, what lauren Jauregui would mean to me in a future.