she isn't what she says

Chapter 30: Opening up

'She couldn't heal because she kept pretending that she wasn't hurt.' - Unknown

Alone in her bedroom, Valenica realised she couldn't remember the last time she'd truly laughed. That was sad. But the last time she smiled was last week, when Pansy kissed her and she kissed back.

Valencia had always liked Pansy more than friends but she's scared of rejection, so she never said anything. Anyway she was dating Theodore Nott for a while, now making Death Eater meetings more awkward.

People think depression is sadness. People think depression is crying. People think depression is dressing in black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. Being numb to emotions, being numb to lie. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again. Days aren't really days; they are just annoying obstacles that need to be faced. And how do you face them? Through medication, through drinking, through smoking, through drugs, through cutting. When you're depressed, you grasp on to anything that can get through the day. That's what depression is, not sadness or tears, it's the overwhelming sense of numbness and the desire for anything that can help you make it from one day to the next.

                                                                         *   *   *

"You right, I shouldn't have kept things from you." Valencia said looking into Pansy's eyes as Pansy entered her bedroom.

'Pansy, I don't feel so good, I don't want to go." Valencia said looking up at Pansy who now had tears in her eyes. "If you never heal from what hurt you, you will bleed on the people who never cut you."She spoke softly. "Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water." Pansy said rubbing the back of Valencia's neck pulling her in closer.

"The scariest thing about suicidal thoughts is that, over time it starts to feel more and more like the perfect solution and all the reasons you had about why couldn't go through with it, slowly start to disappear."

"It's one of those days, where I'm just not okay. I don't want to live anymore." Valencia said crying into Pansy's neck. "I just want the pain to go away. This pain is going to lead me in an early grave. Mark my words." Valencia spoke quietly almost certain. "Don't say that."

"Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It's the fear of faliure, coupled with no urge to be productive. It's wanting friends but hating socialising. It's wanting to be alone but not wanting to be alone. It's feeling everything at once, yet being paralizingly numb."

"I'm not happy with myself bro, I don't know what to do. I fucking hate myself."

"Everyone thinks I've gotten better. I haven't. I've just gotten better at hiding it. I'm fine, I'm just tired. My depression is setting in but I don't want to bother you with it" She finished looking down, ashamed. "Depression is not a sign of weakness. It means you've been strong for far too long" Pansy whispered, as they heard voices walking towards the bedroom door.

"It hurts but it's ok... I'm used to it"

"I'm so broken that I can feel it. I mean, physically feel it. This is so much more than being sad now. This is affecting my whole body. I don't know how much longer I can live like this."

"Depression is like drowning. Except you can see everyone else around you breathing. Depression is darkness filling your heart, surrounding your soul. Everything takes so much energy. People around you don't understand, you're doing the best you can Responsibilities overwhelm, expectations you can't meet weigh heavily, Sorrow fills you until there is no room for anything else. Strength to fight, to find joy and love, slowly seeps from your soul. Endless days without hope loom before you, enveloping you in the darkness."

"Don't get lost in your pain, know that one day your pain will become your cure"

"Stop trying to change someone who doesn't want to change. Stop giving chances to someone who abuses your forgiveness. Stop walking back to the place where your heart ran from. Stop trusting their words and ignoring their actions. Stop breaking your own heart"

"You can't go back and change the beginning but you can start where you are and change the ending. Also your skin is so dry, it's hurting my face." Pansy interrupted herself making Valencia laugh. "I'm crying." She responded making Pansy smile and then laugh too. "I can see."

"Anyway.." Pansy started sitting closer to Valencia. "Love isn't about to show off or to go on dates. Its about being with a person who makes you feel special, who gives you a feeling that no one else does. The one who can completely understand you and can laugh on your lame jokes. The one to whom you trust the most and can share your problems. The one who can make wrong things right. Person with whom you can spend your whole life"

"I'm often painted as the bad guy, and the artistic part of me wants to hand out the brush. Love is willing to become to villain so that the one who you love can stay a hero"

 "Are people raised to be villains or vilified like I have become?" Valencia questioned as she was interrupted by Draco and Blaise bursting into the room in laughter.

"You know what happens to a snake when a Louis Vuitton hell steps on it? Shut the hell up or your find out!" Valencia yelled as she threw a pillow at Draco as he raced out of the room, narrowly missing the pillow, followed by Blaise.

"You haven't told him?" Pansy questioned. Valencia shook her head. This made Pansy feel special as no one had ever just told her something, especially a dark secret.

"The world is cruel. The world is wicked."

Valencia wanted to feel alive, to be loved. But then she realised that she could never have that because she was born a monster and monsters don't get happy endings.