The Darkness Within Me.

This is an insight into my life, my mind, and my emotions. I talk freely about my depression for the first time, and describe the thoughts and feelings that go through a self-harmer's mind and what drives them to do it again and again and again.

Chapter One.

I don't really remember much of my childhood or my life before I started getting depressed. That seems like a really strange thing to say. But it's true. I remember a few things but I don't have any great childhood memories to share in the future. It seems like I shut off a part of me when my depression started, and I'm not sure if I'll ever get that back. I come from a family of three boys and four girls including me. And the one constant thing in my life is my mom. One of the things I struggle with is trusting men. Because every man who has ever come into our lives has hurt us and disappeared eventually. I know that seems extreme but it is true. But throughout everything my mom has always been there to take care of us, even when she was suffering at her worst with depression and anorexia. I do remember her at her worst, which is hard, but keeps me from going as far down the line of self destruction as she did. When I think about things that may have kick started my depression, one thing always appears in my mind. When I was eleven I was attacked on a bus. I won't go into details about it, but it was one of the most awful things I've ever been through. That alone isn't the cause of my depression. The illness runs in my family and I've also been through a lot of pain in my life which has all made me into the person I am today. I'm thankful that I've had some of those experiences and came through the other side because I'm a better person for it. At the moment I'm happy and I haven't self harmed in a long time, which is why I've chosen to write this now. I want people to read about what I've been through so that they can relate to it themselves, or to what someone they love might be going through. I keep a journal when I get depressed because it helps me to express myself and to untangle the thoughts and feelings I have. Self harming used to be my way of coping but I don't want to go back to how I was.

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