The Darkness Within Me.

the darkness within me chapter 4

Chapter Four

Journal entry #074

Year: 2007

I hate myself for what I've done. For self-harming when I know how much pain it causes people every time I do it. I know how much it hurts them to see me like that, to think that I don't feel like I can confide in them or talk to them about my problems, and I know how much they love me, which makes what I've done to myself all the more disgusting. I don't even understand why I do it myself, so how can I expect anyone else to understand enough to not blame this on themselves. More than anything, I'm ashamed of myself for not being able to cope, and for letting it get to that point before I chose to talk to anyone about it.

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Each time I thought I was getting back to the way I used to be before the depression, I'd find myself back in that dark place and go back to self harming. I never seemed to find a permanent way of coping with the things that made me feel depressed. But each time I've reached a point where I say I don't want to do this anymore. I'm sick of being ill and hurting myself and everyone I love, because I always feel guilty about it. I don't care that it hurts me, just that it hurts my friends and family to see me like that. Even now that I feel as strong as I do, I still worry about how my depression affects everyone I care about, because I don't want to cause anyone else any pain.

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Journal entry #75

Year: 2007

I feel so helpless, ashamed, scared. I need safety, so I hide away in the world I've created in my mind, a world where I'm safe, where I can shut out the noise, the darkness, and the feelings that consume me. Self harming isn't about death anymore; it's no longer about suicide. It's about release and the distraction it creates. The release has almost become addictive, like a drug that I can't give up. I feel like I'm not important enough for anyone to notice, or even care, that there's a problem. I'm so tired of putting on the same old act that I've perfected, so that people will think I'm normal. I want to hide away from the world, from love, from me, but I can't escape it. I feel like I'm sinking into the abyss, trying not to drag others down with me as I go. I'm losing all faith in saving myself. All of my energy and will to try has disappeared. I keep looking at the blade, amazed by the dark beauty of it. And when it slides through my skin the pain is almost satisfying in a sickening way. But the pain means nothing, and disappears almost completely with the first drop of blood that appears, because with this comes the release that I crave.

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Medical professionals always say that anyone that thinks they may be suffering from depression should go and talk to their doctor. That is true, but it's also one of the hardest and scariest things for someone like me to even think about, let alone actually do. I did ask for help once. When I told my mom that I was self harming we were going to family counselling sessions, because of arguments after mom got married, and I told the counsellor and my brothers and sisters about my self harming. Like I said previously, my family didn't understand, but the reaction from the counsellor was the hardest to deal with. She basically dismissed the idea that I was depressed and said that I was just suffering from 'teenage blues' and self-harm was a way of attention seeking. That destroyed my faith in the mental health profession completely and I've never asked for help since. I had hidden my self harm for so long because I didn't want people to know, so for her to suggest I was attention seeking was completely out of order. From that day I decided that if I was ever to get better I would have to do it alone. That was the first step in m stopping self harming for a long time. But that doesn't mean anyone else who is suffering like I have shouldn't go and ask their doctor for help, in fact I'd say they should go as soon as they can, because dealing with this illness is hard, and no-one should have to go through that alone.

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