The Darkness Within Me.

the darkness within me chapter 6

Chapter Six

Journal entry #093

2009

I'm so fed up of being confused and not knowing what to do. Everything in my life is so complicated right now and I don't feel like I can handle it for much longer. I just don't know what to do about any of it. And I know that it's partly because of my complete inability to stop putting people first before myself, but I can't help it. How am I supposed to just put myself and my feelings first when I have my conscience permanently screaming down my ear that whatever I do things are going to affect people in one way or another, and most of the time it would be in a bad way. I have so many mixed feelings about everything. My worries about everyone else keep getting in the way of the decisions I know I need to make. It's not like I can just pick up the phone and talk to anyone about it, because I know what they will tell me before they even say it. I feel so weak and pathetic and I don't want to feel this way.

****************

Journal entry #94

Year: 2009

I know I need help. I know I do. But I'm terrified of going to a doctor about this. I don't trust them, but there's no-one else I can tell. I feel like I've had all of my energy taken away like air let out of a balloon. I just want to lie down and sleep forever. And when I'm not asleep I constantly just want to break down and cry my heart out. So all of the crap that's going on in my life right now is just making me feel ten times worse. I know I should ask someone I know for help, but I'm scared they won't understand and I don't know who I can trust enough to support me without telling everyone else because I don't want people to know how weak I am.

****************

I lost control for what seemed like forever, and I'm not quite sure if I ever really got control back, because I still have days where I feel like I'm on an edge and I could be tipped either way. But I think that, for the last year at least, knowing that there was always two people I could turn to whenever I needed them helped me claw my way back from what could have been a major breakdown. Because I felt less in control than I had ever felt before, but I owe so much of the strength I have now to two very special guys that I don't think I'd have got this far without. And I know that, if the friends and family I love so much had known I was struggling, they would all have done anything they could to help me. But I hid away and pretended I was ok, like I usually do, because I was scared. I was so scared that I would hurt them all by being so weak and not being able to deal with my problems myself. I was scared that no-one would be able to help me and that I was just going to get pushed aside and not taken seriously by doctors like the last time. I didn't want to add any more stress to anyone else because they had enough to deal with already.

But right now I feel more like the real me, than I can remember feeling in a long time, and at the moment I feel like I am in control, I'm happy, and most importantly, I'm coping. I've realised that being depressed doesn't make you weak or crazy or worthless, like I used to feel. It means you have an illness which you have to live with and fight against every day. I finally feel like I'm winning that fight most of the time and I'm strong enough to start being the person I want to be, and to stop living to make others happy all of the time. I've got out of a relationship that was dragging me down and making me depressed. I lost touch with two people who mean the world to me for a while but now we're making an effort to stay in touch, like sisters should, and I know that if I ever lose track I can rely on them to drag me back onto the straight and narrow, kicking and screaming if they have to. I've learnt that I can talk to people about my problems without them judging me. And I have someone in my life who makes me happier than I can remember being in a long time. I was getting used to feeling lost and not good enough, but I'm starting to feel more confident and like I know who I am. My friends know to keep an eye on me now, and I still have those two very special guys and my two 'sisters' to turn to whenever I need someone to talk to.

If I had to give one piece of advice to anyone who is suffering with depression, it would be to ask for help. Don't suffer because you think you're on your own. I made that mistake too many times and I can never make up for how hurt people were because they thought I didn't trust them enough to talk to them. I wouldn't wish depression on anyone. It's like being trapped inside your own head with no way of escaping the pain. I know that right now I wouldn't feel as strong as I do without being able to rely on the people around me. I draw my strength from them and I'm going to do my best to keep fighting against the depression, and hopefully winning. I don't think that I'll ever be completely better. Depression will always be a part of who I am, and I know it will probably get the better of me again at some point in my life, but right now I feel better than I ever thought I could and if I do lose track in future I can look back on the way I am now and know that there's always hope.