isn't it lovely... - chase atlantic

two -

rewritten 1/22/23
trigger warning - cutting.

it's currently 12 am, i'm the only one awake. i haven't tried to fall asleep. even if i did try to fall asleep, i don't think i would be able to. i sit up from my blankets and coverings and form myself into a little ball by pressing my knees against my forehead - i squeeze my body as much as i could.

i couldn't sleep - which would mean that colby and i would stay up the night playing xbox to see which one of us would fall asleep first. and mainly, always i would fall asleep first before him. colby wasn't much of a early bird - he wouldn't ever sleep. he would stay up most nights making music, playing xbox, watching tyler perry movies.

he would take me on little adventures in his car. we would go out for ice cream whenever they were close to closing. we would explore some random woods and find abandoned places and just hours upon hours laughing and making memories.

but now we can't do that. i can't do that with my brother any more - and it hurts. it hurts more then any thing i have ever felt.

i sigh as i stand from my bed and lift my mattress. when i got my bed set in my bedroom, i hid a pocket knife under my mattress.

i took the pocket knife from under my mattress and place it on my bed as i sit on my pillows.

i hold the knife in my hand, and place it against my fragile wrist. i take a deep breathe as i push the knife in my skin and slide.

blood starting to trickle from the open wound as i continue to cut. before i knew it, my arm was covered in blood and open wounds.

" what are you doing?"

i look up and see colby standing at my doorway. "i'm tired colby." i say with tears in my eyes, "i'm so tired."

he walked to me and hugged me as he kissed my forehead, "it's okay breanne."

"no it's not. i can't -" i say, "hey, don't say that, you have a purpose. if you didn't, you wouldn't of been here. okay?" he says as he wipes away the tears from my face.

"look, i love you so much. okay, you are my baby sister, my best friend. please don't do this. i know life might be tough right now - but, this isn't the answer." he says as i nod my head.

colby isn't here to stop me. he isn't here to talk me down. he isn't.

i just want to be with him. his death hurt me in so many ways and i can't even explain it but i don't feel like i want to be here anymore.

i just don't.