Diary of the Broken Hearted

I Can't

February 15, 2015

Dear Diary,

Today is day 4 since his death...

I thought my day was going well till I decided to open my Facebook... I began to convince myself to message his closest friend to talk about it. So... I opened to his friends facebook wall and there came his picture... He was all over his wall. He was in his profile picture and cover photo. Everywhere...

Everything in me got weak. I felt as if my heart was being twisted by chains. Tears began pouring out of my eyes. I directly deactivated my account again and slammed my laptop shut. I stood up and walked out of the room.

I was so mad. I was sooooo fuckin mad. Yes I was crying but I was also furious. I couldn't accept this. I couldn't accept he was gone.

A few hours passed and I kept myself busy with the tv. Then a friend, Troy, texts me asking "how are you?" Troy had no idea what was going on with me.

I replied "I don't know".

He asked "what's wrong?"

I didn't have the strength to discuss it.Then I told him "I can't talk about it. How are you?"

We began discussing about our courses we're taking in college. Then he began to joke lamely saying "we will talk next time when you're done using up all the tissues." And he added laughing emojis.

I felt everything in me boil.

So I messaged back telling him about it dryly. As I wrote, I began crying. I kept erasing and typing. I ended up just telling Troy about the car accident and how my ex was the one that died.

He felt regret for joking and apologized.

I told him it was fine and that I had to go.

I lied I didnt have to go. I felt like I was being dragged into a black hole as this discussion kept going. I closed my phone and went to bed.

I'm in bed still and decided to write here so I'm on my phone now ignoring all the messages from my friends. I'm not in the mood for any of them. Besides, they don't understand...

Well, I feel exhausted and sleepy... gonna try to get some sleep.

Goodnight