Save Him ⁂ 𝙷𝚢𝚞𝚗𝚕𝚒𝚡

Voices

-----> Hyunjin

I scratched at my arms, feeling the ball in my chest swell. I had the sudden urge to cry, the tears coming on before I could even register it. I bit my lip and felt my throat tighten, trying to swallow to loosen it back up. My nails started digging into my skin and I felt my breathing speed up.

Someone grabbed my arm and I flinched, my tears drying up and the ball in my chest shrinking and being replaced with a fast heartbeat. Chan was giving me a worried look as he pried my hand away from my arm.

"Ah- Sorry I was lost in thought." I said, trying my best to sound normal. 

Chan just looked at me for a moment, he looked worried, "Are you sure?" He asked. 

I just nodded, letting in a big breath and feeling my body accept the breath, opening up and becoming less tense.

We were trying to work on a song. Jisung and Changbin were busy in a practice room and Chan needed help recording samples so he had me come instead. I didn't really want to be here but I couldn't just leave, so I tried my hardest to hide it.

Chan went back to working, listening to the same part of an instrumental over and over again while trying to come up with interesting lyrics to put on top of it. His voice was soothing and for a second I zoned out on him, watching as he concentrated.

'He doesn't care.'

I felt the tears come again, and my legs started to shake.

'No, stop.'

I shut my eyes, trying to calm down.

'If you told him, would he really even understand?'

'Of course he would... he's my friend.'

'But is he really?'

I felt something warm fall down my cheek, and I opened my eyes to feel tears streaming down my face. My breathing hitched and I stood up, quickly wiping away the tears and hiding my face from Chan.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom for a second." I said, my voice was almost a whisper.

Chan nodded at me, "Please come back soon, ok?" He asked.

'He didn't notice.'

I walked quickly out of the room, I couldn't control the tears anymore. I ran through the hall, almost running into Felix and Minho who were exiting a practice room. Felix yelled something after me but I didn't hear it over my heartbeat. 

I made it to the bathroom quickly and slammed the door behind me, immediately sinking to the ground. I curled up into a ball in front of the door and felt all my muscles tense. I couldn't breathe and the tears wouldn't stop. I was shaking uncontrollably and I kept making a weird squeak sound. Everything hurt, the cuts I hid on my upper thighs stinging and reminding me that I was broken. I pulled at my hair, ripping a few strands out without really noticing that it was happening. Everything was spinning and the voice in my head was so loud.

'Felix called for you, why didn't you answer?'

'I couldn't face him.'

'You're such a fucking coward. No wonder they don't notice when something's wrong. Keep hiding this away and see where it gets you. You can't change anyway.'

'What a waste of space.'

The ringing in my ear was so loud, drowning any sounds from the outside world out. I opened my mouth and screamed but I couldn't hear it. 

'Go away go away go away go away'

Hands grabbed me, pulling me away from my thoughts, bringing me back up to the surface. They wrapped around me tightly and forced me back. I could hear myself again, my cries were loud and desperate. My throat burned, my head was pounding. The arms around me were delicate, squeezing me just hard enough that it didn't hurt, they felt nice and I tried to lean into them, feeling the warmth they carried and trying to steal it. 

"Hyunjin." A voice said loudly. The voice was low but filled with concern. 

I flinched, my vision coming back to me. Felix was holding me, sitting down, and holding me desperately in his arms. He was crying too, petting my hair fastly and saying my name over and over again. I reached out and grabbed onto him, hugging him back tightly and burying myself into his neck. He was shaking now but he still felt so warm. 

'Stay with me'

-----> Felix

"It's going to be ok." I whispered to Hyunjin as he clung to me, patting his back and trying to get him to calm down.

He was shaking so bad, his body convulsing and making odd random movements. His arms were roughly hugging me, squeezing so hard that it hurt. He was screaming incoherently, the only thing I could manage to hear was the occasional "Go away". He looked horrible, scratches were covering his arm, and blood was stuck underneath his fingernails. In his hand was a small amount of his own hair that he had ripped out, the brown strands falling and resting on the ground beside him. He was covering his face but I could almost tell his expression, pained and twisted. I held him tighter.

I was crying too, seeing my friend in this state scared me tremendously. There had been no warning that this would happen, no signs. He was fine an hour ago but now he was completely shattered. Earlier we had joked about lunch and roughed each other up, laughing and smiling. This almost didn't seem like the same person.

I tried to hum to him, I wasn't humming a tune in particular, my mind was too fried, but I hoped that my voice itself would be able to calm him down. I rocked him back in forth slowly and pet his head, putting my cheek on his forehead to comfort him.

He slowly started to regain himself, his cries dying down into soft mumbling and his limbs stopped convulsing. He loosened his grip on me and I could feel his breathing began to stabilize.

"Jinnie?" I tried to make my voice as soft as possible, pulling my head away from him to look at his face. 

It took him a moment but he looked back up at me, his eyes were dull, but seemed to be begging me for something. I wiped away the tears that were still falling down his cheeks and gave him a soft look.

"Jinnie, what's wrong?"

Hyunjin looked away again, seeming to realize what was going on. He stopped hugging me and looked uncomfortable. I took the hint and let go of him, letting him crawl away from me a bit.

"I'm ok." His voice was extremely raspy, quiet compared to the screams he had let out earlier. 

I sighed, "No you're not..." I said, pained, "Jinnie what's going on?"

He seemed to get agitated, getting to his feet clumsily and trying to walk towards the door, "I said I'm fine." he growled weakly, almost falling over.

I got up and tried to stabilize him but he pushed me away, and I backed off, watching sadly as he regained his composure and walked to the door, opening it slow and peering out.

He was acting strange, and I had to admit that I was extremely worried. I wanted him to reach out to me, tell me what the hell is going on and wh he had broken down out of nowhere. I wanted to know how I could help him and if I could make it better. He was scaring me...

"Hyunjin..." I reached out and grabbed his hand. He stopped in his tracks, his hand limp in mine. "Tell me what's going on."

He shook his head solemnly, "I can't tell you." He said bluntly and walked out of the room, leaving me alone, confused, and worried.

This had all happened so fast, only a moment ago I was comforting him and now he was acting like he didn't even know me...

Minho walked up to me, he looked concerned, "Is everything alright?" He asked, putting a hand on my back.

I shrugged, "I don't know."