Admirable

02

"There is one pain, I often feel, which you will never know. It's caused by the absence of you."

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I remember when they told her the monsters were only in her head, they were fake, that she was safe and they could never get to her. But her monsters escaped, and they became me.

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I sat down at a small table in the corner of the coffee shop. The rain gently pattering against the window besides me.

" Hey Jungwon, you look soaked dude, did you sit out on the bridge again?" I looked over to where the voice was coming from - my friend Riki. He worked at the café as a part time job, because his parents had kicked him out. I wasn't to sure why, and I didn't feel the need to ask, so I just supported him as best as I could. I tried to be his safe house, somewhere he could go, someone he could turn to.

He was the reason I held on, the small light in my life, and I was his, his small ray of hope.

I ordered a coffee and waited, watching the people pass by, so happy, unaware of all the cruel things in the world. They lived happily, with family and friends, no worries, nothing haunting them as the days went on. The pain only growing, twisting and carving holes into their hearts. They didn't have to experience it, they couldn't feel my pain.

They told me therapy would help, but they didn't understand, they told me to forget and move on, but I couldn't, it wasn't as easy as they made it out to be.

Everyone has their secrets, things they don't want to share in fear of people judging them. For Riki that's his family problems, so he acts as if they don't exist, plasters a smile onto his face and continues his life, but mine is deeper than that. Mine cost a life and I could never change my mistake. They say live and learn, everyone makes mistakes so we just have apologise and move on.

But I can't apologise.

My train of thought continued spiralling until I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder.

My coffee was ready and Sunoo had decided to bring it to me. He was a good friend, he gave up alot for me, and he says he doesn't regret it, but I know he does deep down.

" One coffee for you sir," he says with a gentle bow, trying not to laugh as he lays the coffee on the table. I held in a laugh as I picked up the coffee, taking a sip from it as Sunoo and I looked out the window, not whispering a word, but just in the comfort of each others presence.

" I saw a girl there today you know." I whispered. He looked down at me in shock. "She didn't do anything, but it reminded me of her."

Sunoo slowly nodded his head, "we should visit her soon, I'm sure she's getting lonely, who knows, maybe she's even waiting for us to visit." He paused taking a deep breath. "It has been a year now, it's not much consolidation but you know she would've wanted you to move on by now." He finished what he was saying and walked away, serving another customer as I thought about what he said. It had been a year and I didn't even visit her grave once.

I sighed and finished my coffee, watching people walk past the window again. I watched as they worked in harmony, trying not to bump into eachother, enjoying what the small town had to offer, some coming into the cafe, some just walking past with their shopping or their school bags.

I eventually left the cafe, saying my goodbyes to Sunoo and Riki and walking back to the bridge, walking past my usual seat, all the way down to where it happened, I sat on the bench she stood on a year ago, where everything went wrong.

I sat there and let my emotions take over my body.

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