Story of random thoughts I have

Just ranting

Hey,so,this is just me ranting about shit.You don't have to read it.If you want to,you can but I just want to get this off my shoulders and decided to do it here.

He makes me feel like such shit!He's meant to be a father figure but he just makes me feel like I'm a mistake.It doesn't help my mental state.At all.I already felt like a mistake and like nobody wanted me around but he just makes it so much worse.I'm sick of it!He isn't even an actual parent.What right does he have to be such a dick to me.

They always tell me to stop crying.Grow up.Just ignore it.I'm trying.I really am but it's so hard.I just can't help it. I've always been like this,always.You think it's so easy that I can just STOP crying,just IGNORE them.How can I ignore it when it's constant.At home.At school.Everywhere I go,I'm being judged.People are dickheads.So many times.SO many times I've wanted to leave and never come back.It would be so easy to just....end.I never could though.Despite all the bad,the few things that are good are worth living.He gives me happiness,he may be in the same boat but we keep this boat moving,we keep it alive.She's so fun to talk to,she may be so far away but she still gives me the most happiness that I've had in months.My family...most of them...despite acting cruel and acting like they hate me,they do love me.Right?They have to,I'm their little sibling.Of course they love me and would miss me if I were gone.I could never leave them.

If I was gone,he'd have nothing to carry on for.I don't want to do that to him.If I was gone,she would have no best friend to talk to day and night.If I was gone,they'd have no little sibling to upset,no little sibling to laugh with,no little sibling to give advice to.God damn it,why is life so hard.

Jesus christ I need help,will I ever get it...no.Will I ever tell my family about my mental state...no.Only my dearest friends know.I plan to keep it this way.Some people get help from school but I could never.Teachers make me nervous...what if they told my parents if I got help.What would they say.I don't want to think of that.I don't want to think at all.That's why I need the constant noise and distractions.Because my thoughts are terrifying.So tempting....I really want to do it but the people who do care would be so sad...

Why
Why
Why
Why
Why
Why
Why

Make it end...please...make the hurt end.Make it all go away.I want to fall asleep and never wake up...please


But I got to remember there's good things happening too.

My problems may seem pathetic compared to what's happening in the world but that doesn't mean that they don't affect me.It's so hard.Nobody seems to understand.The happiness that you see,it's all an act so you don't worry.I don't want to burden you with my issues.I'll deal with it myself...no I won't..I'll bottle it up until I can't take it anymore.

Damn,that was refreshing.But I want to tell actual people.Whatever.I wish I was lying when I tell you that I started REALLY crying when writing this.If you know me irl and saw this...no you didn't.Again,if you know me in real life don't ask about it...you probably already know anyways...

~Dakota