Insecure (Not Finished)

Breathing It In

          I would dream about what I wished I looked like. Slim, curvy, long silky hair, white teeth, beautiful eyes, soft lips, an even skintone, smaller feet, and a beautiful soothing voice. But until I had all of those features I would hate myself. Whenever someone made a judgement of me i'd inhale what they wanted me to be or what they didn't like about me, and exhale who I was inside-- bits by bits.

        When I had nothing else to do i'd  sit and think about all the possible surgeries I could get to make my appearance better. I would think about getting surgery that would remove all the fat from my body, or take that fat and inject it into my breasts or my butt. I even thought about ways to have an even or lighter skin tone. I'd even look for creams and face washes when I would go to the store that I thought would make my face for appealing; although I never bought any products.

       I soon stopped thinking about these things because I knew these things were impossible. I knew that its impossible because who has money for all the surgeries, or who has money to waste on facial products, and to top all that im too young.

       Instead of this i thought of exercising, going on a diet, and trying to cut off all the junk food i was eating. But this was a failure. I continued to eat fattening foods. I wasn't ready to give it up, not yet. So all i could do is dream, dream about the things that would never come true, dream about the body i would never have, dream about the person i would never be--me.

       I would drown in the razor sharp words people spat at me. Fat. Ugly. Black. Too dark. Monster. Man. Precious ( relating me to the girl from the movie precious ). Slow. I went from ignoring these things, to getting mad and fussing over them, and then soon interpreting and believing them. " You can't catch me."  " I run faster than you! "  " Nobody wants your ugly ass."  " You can't be seen in the dark."   These are the things i've been eating up most of my life. All i've been told is to be the bigger person, or to ignore what these people have to say. But how? How can i ignore such things? How can i be the bigger person and walk away from something like this? There's no such thing as to ignore when you can see, hear, and memorize these things. Especially when you've been told this hundreds of times.

       Words are sins committed by the demon ( mouth ) . The mind is the devil who generates the sins before releasing. The heart is the battery who gives the power to do so.