I dare say that life isn't what it was anymore; or at least my percepetion of it has changed. It's like I've been staring out one window for most of my life and then a year ago someone decided to sit me in front of another.
I don't say this to envoke the idea that my life has been easy; it hasn't, but the view seems to be set in harsher lines now. This crude little world that is ran by them: the consumers; drunk with their consumption but yet still thirsty.
And I am so afraid of this world and of them. All these technological evolutions, liberative revolutions and industrial wonders make me feel so inadequate. Try as I may and sleepless nights I may endure to keep excellent grades but, I still always fear that it won't impress anyone that matters. I've never been a good runner so how could I possibly keep up with a world that's sprinting away from me?
Decency seems to profit me nothing although I pride myself in it. Money moves mountains more quickly and more effectively than faith, they tell me. How it wounds me to hear them say it; my pockets have been empty more often than not.
I've made all the deadlines and submitted all the scholarship applications but the competition's shadow looms over me. I think of all the students my age who were star soccer players by the 4th grade and were cellists before I even knew what the instrument looked like. I'm fearful that my accomplishments pale in comparison to their's.
But I need this desperately. The fear and desperation have left me floating in an ocean of my own tears. I pray every night that God gives me a way out-- a life line, before my feet that keep me suspended above the water's depths, stop moving forever and I drown.
Drowning. That must be my greatest fear: having all my efforts thwarted in an instant because I was ill equipped. I do my best to change my circumstances and make provisions for myself after graduation but its a battle I fight alone.
I've only had people take the time to beat me down for who I didn't become over the last 16 years, ignoring what I have achieved. No one to lean on and no one to point out a path. So I wander aimlessly but driven nonetheless, carrying the burden of my dreams and crushed optimism.
All that I ask is that someone have faith in me and my potential. Believe in me and stand by me. Have faith in me for I fear that I am beginning to lose faith in myself.
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Sometimes my anxiety keeps me up at night.
X Chyna
