Never Coming Home

4.

We're headed to New York. Finally. And as much as I hate to admit, Thomas isn't that terrible. I think being with him made me aware of how closed off I was; it made me see that shutting people out isn't quite and perfect as I thought it'd be. The whole leave-me-alone thing was supposed to keep my walls up, keep me together and sane, keep away the hurt. No caring, no pain, right? These walls that I've built up around me were my protection, my safety. What girl wants to be caught weak and vulnerable? What person wants to be caught weak and vulnerable? Weakness was something I had to train myself to get rid of. The less you can feel everything, the better. My mom instilled in me that emotions were okay, they were good, they made us human, but I never saw it like that. I watched myself cry over silly things, over nothing; things like spilling my food or forgetting to make my bed. I looked at myself in the mirror and I saw my face get red and puffy, watched my eyes get so swollen I could barely open them, heard myself hiccup and try to catch my breath, and that's all it took for me to realize it had to stop. 

I pulled into a place called Johnny B's that looked like a home-made diner. Thomas pulled in behind me and parked in any spot he could find. "Table for one?" the waitress asked as I walked in. 

"Two, actually," I said back as Thomas walked in.

"Hi, I'm the two," he said, smiling.

"Right over here," she gestured to a booth and set down the menus. "I'll bring over some bread, anything to drink?"

"Water and-"

"Coffee, please," I smiled, opening the menu and searching for something to eat.

"What are you going to get?" He asked.

"This is strange," I sighed, looking up. "This is really weird, I just met you and-and now we're friends and you're practically following me to New York, it just doesn't happen; this doesn't happen, we don't-"

"You are practically following me to New York. I live there, and you've never been. So, by default, I win."

"Shut up," I laughed, taking a sip of coffee and putting in another pack of cream and sugar. "Plus I'm excited to get there. I'm going to get my dream."

"You know it's not that easy, right?" he asked, looking concerned. "It's ridiculously hard to make your way back home."

"I know," I concurred. "But I really want this. I'm going to do it."

"Sure you are," he laughed. 

The waitress took our orders and promptly brought out our food to the table. We talked as we ate, and we talked after we ate. I learned a lot about him, like how he has a December birthday and a little brother and sister, and that he's never been to Disney World or seen Monters, Inc. He told me about his childhood, and what prompted him to go to the New York Film Academy for school and what he's doing there. I told him that I wanted to be a singer or a writer, or maybe travel after staying in New York for a while. 

"We're only about an hour away," Thomas said as we walked to our cars. "And we'll be separated until then, so get all your demons out now. If you've got something to confess, say it. Leave it all behind so you can start fresh and new once we get into New York."

"Get yours out first," I prompted. I have to admit, I was terrified to tell him what I'd been through only a few weeks previously.

"Don't have any. I started over when I came to college here. So, your turn."

"Fine." If he was going to hate me, what did it matter to me? I barely knew him. I stayed distant. It's fine; I'm fine. "My mom kicked me out. I went to this huge party she didn't want me at, and I snuck in at two in the morning, but she was waiting for me in my room, obviously. She told me I'd never be allowed out again, and I told her I would do what I wanted."

"That's ridiculous, why would you say that to your mom, she's your mom, she-"

"I understand, but let me finish. I was mad, I didn't know what I was saying, I made a mistake. So she told me to leave. And I did. I met these guys and flirted with them and made them take me home and right-"

"You slept-"

"Please just shut up. Right before anything happened, I made up some dumb excuse to leave and snagged their car keys and drove away."

"So you're telling me... that you stole this car?" he asked, eyebrows raised.

I breathed out. "Yep. I took it from some rich kid and left him with a car not nearly as nice."

"Cass, this car is at least fifty thousand dollars, and you just took it? Don't you think the cops are looking for you?"

"Yeah, they probably are. But guess what, I don't care. Once I get to New York, I'll get a job within walking distance and leave the car and the keys in an empty parking lot or something, I don't know. I'll walk everywhere, I'll make money, I'll get an apartment."

He cleared his throat. "Well, if that's all, let's get going."

-

The GPS said I was ten minutes away from New York. I'm ten minutes away from a life, a place to chase my dreams. I looked behind me and spotted Thomas' car. I glanced out my side windows and saw the Welcome to New York, the Empire State sign. I made it. I'm really here.

I pulled into the rest stop and waited for Thomas to get there too. A few minutes later, I saw him get out of his car. I ran over to him and hugged him. "Oh my god, we really made it!" I yelled, grinning from ear to ear. 

"That was my ear," he grimaced, pulling my arms off of him. "But you did make it. And I'm home."

"I know it's just a highway and a rest stop, but I love it. I've dreamed of this place since I was born. And I'm finally here. I can start my life now."

He came up and hugged me, arms wrapped around my waist. I kissed him. 

"Sorry," I said, pulling away.

"No, it's fine, it was- yeah, it's okay. I'm just gonna-"

"Yeah, me too," I whispered, looking at the ground and walking back to the car. I turned around to look at him, but all I could see was the back of his. What did you just do, I thought to myself. I sat in the driver's seat, but couldn't bring myself to start the car. I just kissed Thomas. I kissed a stranger, a friend, a person I didn't even find attractive. Obviously you did find him attractive, I told myself. I hate this. Stop it. Get him out of your head. Get away from him. Block him out. Shove him away. I saw someone approach my car and tap on the window. I rolled it down and spat, "What?" He kissed me. "Thomas, please don't kiss me."

"What? I don't understand, you just-"

"Thomas, please. Don't kiss me. Do not kiss me."

"But you just-"

"Let it go. I'm not going to do this with you. Leave."

"Fine," he said, his voice solid. I watched him walk away and get into his car. The guilt kicked in, and I walked over and tapped on his window. "What do you want, Cassidy?"

"I want to apologize."

"For what?"

"For being rude. And for yelling at you. I'm not used to letting people in, and you were nice to me. And I'm sorry."

"Yeah. It's fine, just leave."

"I'm not leaving without you. You're my friend."

His expression softened. "Let's go. I'll show you my place, and you can stay there until you get on your feet."