How To Tame An Empress (BOOK I)

Chapter 32 - To Ask for Forgiveness

--Valeria POV--

I was thinking of him. 

Of the man whom I called my husband, but I was not thinking with longing nor love, not even anger. I thought with clarity. Because after everything that has unfolded between us recently, that is all that was left for me to feel.

I sat in the spot which I have been unmoving from as of late, the window seat. Looking out into the garden which had once felt like a prison but now that I am further trapped within these walls, that garden looks like freedom.

I never thought the day would come when I find myself asking this question, but now that it is here, I have no choice but to confront it; Do I love that man enough to give up my freedom for him? I had thought, just for a moment, yes. I was willing. 

But then I realised that the man I was willing to give it up for and the man who I am currently married to are not one in the same.

So, the answer is no.

The sound of the chamber doors being unlocked and then pushed open had me sitting up straight as I prepared myself for the sight of the man that I no longer recognised yet I still called him my husband.

He wore a smile on his face, but it was not the same smile which I had fallen in love with. It was filled with a manipulative love, one which he used when his head was racking with ideas on how to further trap me away from the world outside.

And as I caught sight of my child in his arms, I felt the tightening of these chains around my heart, it was enough to have my eyes well up with tears.

This is not the life I wished to live. This is not the man I wished to call my husband nor is he the man whom I wished to have children with. This man is the emperor of Rome; he is the furthest thing from being my beloved Stacius.

The man I loved and married would never treat me like this. He was never the cause of my tears. If anything, he was the one wiping the tears away, and comforting me, making the rest of the world fade into nothing.

"Ria? What is wrong, my love?" He crossed over the expanse of our room, getting on his knees before me as his hands cupped my cheeks, thumbs stroking my tears away. "You must be very angry with me right now." It was a statement. But surprising for him, it was wrong.

Because no. I am not angry.

I am just finally accepting that this life I am living is not as beautiful as I had wished it to be. I look at this man and I see someone else, having no choice but to see him as he is. And for that, I am not angry. I am grieving.

For the life that I have lost. For the husband who no longer exists. And for my future which is no longer bathed in light and laughter. I am grieving with a broken heart that happiness, something that used to define me, may no longer exist soon.

"I miss you." Stacius, my beloved husband who made me the happiest woman alive. I miss you so much. "I just... I simply miss you. So much." The tears would not stop welling up in my eyes as it blurred my vision and the sight of him along with it.

I had been deluding myself for too long, but I can no longer do that. It is not fair to myself nor to the version of him that made me fall in love. I cannot keep looking at him through rose-coloured lenses; I must accept that he has become this man that I no longer recognise.

"What are you talking about, flower? I am right here." I pushed his hands away, not wanting to fall for their warmth, and covering my face, I sobbed into my hands, feeling my heart withering away with every sound that escaped my lips.

"Please... I cannot do this anymore. I cannot breathe." It is not the palace or the people in it. It is not this crown weighing itself down on my head or the responsibility that came with it. It is him. I am afraid of him, and that fear is choking me.