How To Tame An Empress (BOOK I)

Chapter 39 - The Colourless World

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The world did not end the day my wife died.

The sun continued to rise, rivers continued to flow, soldiers still trained, and the Senate still argued. After holding a small funeral for her, Rome continued breathing as though nothing had happened. It was only I that had stopped.

People often speak of grief as though it arrives like a violent storm, loud enough to drown every other sound. They speak of tears, and the unbearable weight pressing upon one's chest. I should have understood what it felt like; I lost my parents when I was a boy, after all. But Ria? She has taught me what true grief really is.

Since she left me, I awoke every morning to a world that no longer felt warm, to a world that no longer remained vibrant. Everything that was once filled with myriads of colours now looked grey, the people were hollow, and even the garden which Ria loved so much looked little more than lifeless weeds.

It had been six months since they lowered that coffin into the earth. Six months since I buried her with my own two hands. And six months since I died with her. Every day has been the same since then. Time lost all meaning until I could no longer distinguish one from another. It was as though my mind had shown me a mercy which I could not show myself.

Sometimes Julius would speak of a meeting we had shared, only to realise later that I could remember none of it. Reports were placed before me, I signed them. Generals asked for orders, I gave them. The Senate argued, I settled their disputes. The Empire continued because I had trained my entire life to rule it. Not because I was truly present.

"Dominus." Someone called. Claude, I realised, turning to look at him as he pushed his horse to match my stallion's pace.

"Speak." I ordered.

"We are approaching the next settlement. Though, with all due respect, I'd like to remind you that your Empire is at peace. More now than ever before... The people are happy, there is no known bandit activity, and the coming harvest season is said to be one of the best yet."

"What point are you trying to make, Claude? Stop wasting your breath by stating the obvious." I muttered, whipping the reins to push my horse to move faster.

"I wish to tell you that as Emperor, there may be more pressing matters for you to take charge of rather than the inspection of settlements. This is something that I believe General Tiberius can have under full control." I slowed down then, his words reminding me of something which I have been trying to ignore for far too long.

"You are telling me to return to the palace." Where Ria will not be waiting. Where Evan will not be waiting. Just their memories in every hallway leading to every room. Reminding me that I was a man that had everything in the world except what he desired most; his wife and child.

"Not just me, dominus. Everyone. There are scrolls which only you have the authority to look over. Orders which only you can give... But not from here." I glanced at him once, then turned my gaze back to the road before me.

"If it were only state related matters that I had to attend to then perhaps I would have been able to return to that place. But that is not the case, and you know it." I narrowed my eyes into a glare, daring him to spout this conjecture anymore than he already was.

"The Senate members grow more agitated with each passing day. The Empire has not only lost its Empress but its heir too. They think that gives them the right to find me a new wife... If I take one step into that palace, I will find myself unwillingly wed to a woman that is not Ria." And I will die a hundred times over before I ever allow such a thing to happen.

"Dominus-"

"-Ria only asked one thing of me when she agreed to wed me. And that was loyalty... The gods may have taken her from me, but even in death, I will not betray her."