I feel so dead! I want to die... I feel used. I don't know if this is the right word to describe the way I feel, but ... I donno! I feel empty and I'm drunk... not drunk, drunk, because I'm fucking working right now, but I walk on that path...I need it... I want to sleep. Alchool helps me. I still feel the pain, but I can handle it. At least I try!
This story supposed to be, all about love, sex and magic... Like the song. Stupid song! Well nothing happend between us, I mean we're still together. But he changed a little and for me is a lot. I mean, I'm crying all the time, I talk to myself, I can't sleep anymore, I had some panic attacks last night, like bad... So fucking bad... I'd scratched myself on the neck, face, chest and arms, to make it go away and kicked my stomach with my fist. This is a new method to distract me. But I am alone, and I don't know how to calm down... I feel sorry for me... And I think he feels the same...
He's not so in love like before.. You know what I mean ?? He's more distant, and now I think he says the real feelings. I don't know why. I don't think is because he's leaving soon to another country for a while... This is another story, but I make it short. He said " I don't wanna be in a relationship for a year, and not seeing you! Or to think that we gonna see each other next year... But it doesn't mean we're breaking up now that I'm leaving, maybe I come back after one month".
Well you motherfucker, and if ????? IF you stay for a long time, you're leaving me ?? Just for that?? Like I'm gonna die ?? This is the way you love me ?? Because you showed me another kind of love... You told me something else... A lot of ....something else. I love you! If you don't love me enough, just say it... And we're done... But, I will never forget these words, YOU said ! I LOVE YOU MORE!
The pain is killing me, slowly... My thoughts are wild... And I will be like this until I have him in my arms, again.... No matter what happens. I am here for him... Always and for ever.
