I can’t remember how long I was rooted to the spot, but the cold had found its way into my bones. I welcomed this coldness that brought the feeling that time had stopped and I could be nothing for a while.
As I looked at the Cathedral opposite me the enormity of it struck me. I felt intimidated. There was no denying that it was beautifully structured, its brick exterior and stained glass windows depicting scenes from the bible and yet it was sinister. I wasn’t here to comfort myself though; I was here for my mother. Such a fragile being. She’s the only person worth thinking about. Everyone else floats away like specs of dust in a soft but steady breeze.
A snowflake fell onto my nose and it brought me back to reality. I heard the crunch of snow under my feet as I started forward trying to navigate through the fog that had rolled in. My mother once told me that life was about moving on I hope she was doing that now.
I always liked moving on, new beginnings excited me, but this didn’t seem like a new beginning, perhaps the beginning of the end. As I gripped the door handle I felt my hands shake but not from the cold. Maybe moving on wasn’t as easy anymore. Opening the wooden door I hesitated, there were doubts creeping around in my mind. Had I taken enough care of her towards the end? Did she know I loved her? She never believed in any supernatural stories of ghosts or deceased family members watching over their families. I regretted supporting her in the matter, maybe we could have talked one last time had she thought it was possible. I pushed these thoughts away and continued through the door into the Cathedral.
I was late by a long shot but no one would notice me anyway. I sat down and I couldn’t look up for what seemed like eons, all the doubts from earlier came rushing back, I fought against them and looked her straight in the eyes and I swear for a moment she saw me too. Her eyes lit up a little and I saw tears forming. I leaned in closer. My heart ached to hug her once more or to say I love you one last time. For it to be like the old times where we were so carefree and everything was going well. But the moment was over and she turned away with a slight shake of her head, too busy looking at my coffin.
I stood up. That moment was all I needed. It wasn’t nearly as much as I wanted but it had reassured me that she was okay and she would move on. I loved her with everything I had even if all I was was a ghost stuck on earth.
The more I thought about her life turning out all right, the more I felt this release building up in my body. I realized I was free. Free from my doubts and worries that were the only things left tying me to earth. As I walked towards the light that was once a dark door to a Cathedral, I took one last fleeting look back at my mother and smiled.
