School is happy place for me these days. I smiled politely at faces I recognised as I paced down the hallway. I made my first stop at my locker.
'Hey'
I flinched in surprise when I felt someone pinch my waist. It was Zach.
'Hi' I turned to face him, he'd taken a step back. Zach and I are close, but not that close. 'Did you have a good weekend?' I forced a smile.
'Yeah yeah, did you?' Zach had already begun to walk away. That's Zach. He's the guy that gets on well with everybody. He'd feel comfortable approaching anyone in the year. He could get pretty intense sometimes. But most days, he was a fun guy.
'I did actually'
'Great, see you in Bio' I watched him walk away in all his charm and glory. Zachary Baker.
I shut my locker door and pulled myself back to reality in the same moment. Dating in school is always messy. Or rather for me, dating is always messy. It's not worth it at this age. I walked up familiar staircases and through familiar doors, my second stop: the bathroom.
There was a full-sized mirror. Sixth-formers wear suits at this school. I tugged at the over-sized shirt I wore over my skirt. I like to think I can dress the way I want wherever I am.
I heard rustling at the sinks.
'Maria!' I went to hug my best friend. It felt like I hadn't seen her in such a long time, but it'd only been a few days.
'How are you?' I'm always worried about Em. She's troubled, but the happiest person in the world with a secret.
'I'm fine' was her usual reply that she recycled for today.
'What do you have first?'
'English'
'Okay cool, I'll see you at break..? Or lunch..?'
'Sure, definitely' She faked a smile, it was beautiful all the same. I left quietly and I could hear that she had returned to rummaging through her bag with suppressed frustration.
I could relate. I know what it's like to have people to talk to but no one to listen. But I'm here for her, I need to keep reminding her that.
I began to walk after realising I had stopped in my tracks to think. I wonder if other people have difficulty thinking and walking at the same time.
The sun shone through the frosty glass at the end of the hall. I'd been walking the wrong way. I made a swift 180 degrees turn in the direction of my form room.
Ouch.
'Woah, I'm so sorry' I had head-butted someone's chest, a tall-someone. He smells good- that's not a strange thing to think at all Ava.
'It's fine' He winced in annoyance and reluctant politeness. He stepped away from me slowly and resumed a steady, confident pace. I felt my forehead wrinkle, I was confused. I turned to watch my victim walk away, inspecting him in a non-stalker way. Black suit- nice fit.
I'm used to short encounters. In fact, life is comfortable when you only have to socialize for minutes at a time with different people, it's easy.
'Hey!' was shouted in my direction. I looked around to see who it was directed to exactly.
Hanna skipped towards me gracefully and planted herself in the centre of my focus.
'Hey' she cooed again, more softly this time. 'How are you?' She's always stunning, everyday like she doesn't even try. Actually, I don't think she does. She linked her arm with mine and stimulated my feet to walk once more.
'I'm great, you?' I said this as reassuringly and as positively as I could manage so she'd belive me. It's mostly true anyway.
'I'm great' Now that's what the truth sounds like. She prolonged the word as if she couldn't stop thinking about how great everything was. She went on, 'Jonah took me to the Sea Life Center on Saturday, for-'
'Your month-iversary' I chirped in so that we simultaneously said those words. I think my soul just rolled its eyes. She giggled in delight. Her laugh was familiar. To someone who doesn't know Hanna as well as I do, her laugh sounds pretty fake. But I can assure you, it's genuine. Hanna laughs a lot.
She was still talking, I missed a lot of what she was saying.
'...and then we took selfies with all the animals!' I smiled and nodded as if I'd been listening the whole time. I frowned to myself. I should be a better friend.
'Oh yeah, I saw on your Snapchat story' I laughed politely. How is that even funny?
Hanna and I are in the same form. Which is funny because I've known Hanna since I could breathe, and I don't remember not breathing, so I don't remember not knowing Hanna. And boy do I know Hanna well. I know her like the back of my hand- I know her rhythms, her patterns and her style. I can pretty much predict what she'll say and when.
Hanna's that one girl everybody sees. You'd have to be blind to miss her perfection, and she's always been like that.
She's with Jonah now and it's been exactly 3 months and 2 days, a very, very long 3 months and 2 days. I wish I was a better friend for two reasons:
1. I don't think a good friend would disapprove of a perfectly good relationship. Jonah and Hanna are the cutest thing- to the rest of the world, but not to me! Jonah is practically a brother to me and Hanna, a sister. And they're dating?!? What is up with that?
2. A good friend would tell Hanna that she feels uncomfortable about her and her boyfriend and not pretend that it's okay to hear about their latest 'step forward' in their relationship. Yuck.
I don't know why it freaks me out so much exactly. I just know that it does. Hanna hadn't finished.
'... And it was really passionate, like, I don't know where it came from!' We had sat down and she was whispering it blissfully down my ear. Puke, puke, puke. I'm glad I wasn't paying attention. But I love you Hanna, I really do. Then I forced a smile.
Freedom came with the bell. I tore myself away from Hanna carefully to make sure I hadn't hurt her feelings. I smiled back at her before safely disappearing and I took one last good look at her pretty face, she's my best friend.
Subconsciously I found myself opening the toilet door, stepping into the bathroom in front of the mirror. Again. I took three deep breaths. Everyone's faces always look funny in a mirror because everything's inside out. Today is no different from every other day I've gotten myself through. This is easy. This will be easy.
