It's not Over When it's Over

Chapter 1: Myself

    My abuser was my brother he is 13 years older than me so when I was 13 he was already 26. The abuse lasted from when I was 12 or 13 years of age and lasted until I was 21, the majority of it being mental. Living with him was unpredictable because he was also a drug abuser. Starting as early as I could remember he would go on rampages and destroy things within the house. There were times where I was home for the rampage and had to call the police on him, and there were other times when I would come home to holes punched in the walls. Our TV would be completely destroyed, chairs were broken, and doors were broken. I was afraid any time I was home because I never knew if the next time he would go further than the last. I never knew if he cause severe bodily harm to myself or my parents. I was also afraid any time I wasn't home because I didn't know if I would come home to dead parents. He did put his hands on me on a couple of instances that I know of, once that I remember vividly when I was 13 and another time when I was 14/15. I only know about the second instance because my best friend told me, I don't have any memory of the event itself. Throughout my high school years he would frequently abuse the family's small dog in front of me to purposely upset me. Later on after I graduated and would go on vacations alone with my mother my brother would send me threatening voice messages saying he would kill the dog for biting him, the same dog that he had been abusing.  

  I tried to escape from him on several occasions. I made my first call to CPS with my best friend when I was 13. Her and her family had made several calls on my behalf that I did not know about until I was an adult. When I was in high school I went into the counselor's office on a couple of occasions and the counselor called CPS for me when I asked her to.  They didn't do anything then either for the same reason they always gave since I was 13, and that is he didn't leave any bruises on me. I had a recording of him threatening me in high school that I showed to a counselor who took me seriously and called the school police officer. He came in the office, listened to the same recording I showed the counselor, and dismissed it entirely. It didn't matter what evidence I had, if he didn't leave any bruises or lasting marks on me neither the authorities or CPS would do anything.

       It was a huge relief  to me when I was told May of 2020 he was supposed to be leaving town for good and starting a new life elsewhere. May rolled around and he left to a different state entirely. However, the peace didn't last long and in December of that same year, he returned to town. My mother told me not to worry, he wouldn't be living with us again and she wouldn't allow him to stay under her roof even for a single night. I already knew that this was a lie and eventually he would be living with her again, because it's the same lie she would feed me every time she kicked him out in the past. Sure enough I was right and a week later he was there, under our mother's roof. The same night he came back I left and stayed with someone else, I would not allow him the chance to fall back in the same abusive patters. I would not live the same life I had been living previously under any circumstances. I learned his schedule and went back for all of my things with my friends the moment I had a chance. 

      The abuse has continued to make an impact on me even though it has ended. I still think about the past and what happened to me frequently, multiple times a week. Sometimes the thoughts are accidental and pop into my head out of nowhere, but other times the thoughts are triggered by someone else mentioning him. All conversations revolving around him (including ones not related to the abuse) make me feel anxious. When my thoughts are accidental it's difficult for me to not focus in on them which often leads me to think about it even more. When I notice myself digging into the past I try to distract myself, especially if focusing on my emotions at that time is not productive. However, despite distracting myself for hours the negative emotions linger. I still experience nightmares revolving the abuse even on nights where I fall asleep in a good mood and wake up drenched in sweat. I would say that the nightmares about the abuse happen about twice a month. Due to the nightmares I have difficulties falling asleep so I take medication before bed. I also have a difficult time with my memory due to the abuse, it's like my life is a movie that has been cut into a million pieces and some of the pieces are missing and others are not in the right place. There's a vacation I went on with my boyfriend and some of my extended family that I don't remember at all and the only reason I know it happened is because I have photos of it. I have never been to a psychologist but I hope that I will be able to see one soon.