When Memories Collide

Estranged

His papers were on my hand, draining all his innocence, and my happiness. What did this mean? Did he know it was me? The thought of the lies being in good will crossed my mind, but quickly disappeared only to be replaced by anger and uncertainty.

I could feel him and all of his guilt, breathing with his heart on his throat waiting for my reaction in shame. So I turned around slowly, still re-reading those black detonating words. The room and the whole hospital was completely silent, or so it seemed to me, with the sound of both of our breaths resonating in nervousness.

"K... I-" He broke the silence, trying to explain himself.

"How?" I interrupted way too tired of lacking information about everything to even finish the question, but he knew exactly what I was talking about.

"I was on a rush, and I... I turned without seeing and your car was there and" he made a pause, there was tears in his eyes, but for the first time... I didn't care. "I was gonna tell you I swear, but I was afraid that you may never-"

"I don't wanna hear it" I interrupted with a cold voice "I don't need your emotional bullshit" I continued and made a pause to stop tears from falling "You are gonna tell me all the things you know, all of them, right now" I demanded.

"Your car almost goes over me when my motorcycle fell on top of my leg. But your mom, the woman you dreamed about, she turned the car to the left to pass next to me in such a rush that it tripped and turned around... she saved my life" He delivered what I was asking for, without emotions, just facts.

"How do you know it was my mom? Is she okey?" I asked desperately, even if I didn't even remember her name.

"You were unconscious, but she was not. They didn't allow her to see you cause you were on a bad state. They thought I was unconscious too, so they positioned me next to you when the paramedics were checking us both before getting us to the hospital. You had blood everywhere, and your head seemed to be completely open, I thought I had killed you." He made a pause for a guilty tear to roll down his face "I could hear her screaming your name, and how you were her daughter and she needed to see you. She also kept repeating your medical records, that's when I learned about your scar." He admitted and took a step forward, to the one I automatically replied with one backwards, cause apparently... I didn't trust him anymore. And he knew that now.

"So all this time you've been calling me K, when you knew my real name?" I said shocked, replied by silence "What's my name?" I asked again.

"Camille, your name is Camille" he spilled, craving for my reaction, as if he had been waiting to tell me for a long time. I sat on the bed, as if the sound of those words had pushed me back. Camille... I repeated in my head waiting for it to be slightly familiar, or at least for it to feel like that actor you know you've seen in another movie but can't remember which one. But it didn't, it was just like any other word.

"Were you high?" I asked looking straight into his eyes, anger had taken away any filter once so ever.

"No..." he said looking at the floor.

"Don't you dare lie to me right now" I said pushing the truth with a crackling voice.

"I had run out of it, it lasted less days each week" he admitted, looking at my eyes and to the sides at the same time "It was Wednesday, and my stash from Monday was already gone. But I needed more so..."he stopped and looked at me, searching for remorse or maybe empathy, but there was none of it left in me. "So I grabbed my adoptive dad's motorcycle, and went to the pawn shop to see if I could get some money there, but I never made it." he admitted.

"So you drove a motorcycle with abstinence, as the one you had when we met?" I asked remembering his trembling hands.

"I was desperate, couldn't think of anything more than that, I wasn't even capable of paying attention at the route" he said ashamed and angry at himself.

"But, that doesn't make sense, what were you even gonna trade at the pawn shop?" I asked and the painful answer smashed the door into my consciousness. "The... the walk man?" I said pointing at the little machine. Which given to me with love and tenderness, had been until now, the only thing I could call my own. "And you gave it to me? What's wrong with you?" I asked standing up.

"I just wanted for you to feel better" he replied defending indefensible actions. In this hospital, that walk man had been the only thing he could call his own too.

"Oh and I guess that's what you wanted when you kept me from telling Dr. Clarkson that I'd dreamed about a red car right? Cause it seems like you were just protecting yourself" I added as my voice tone kept elevating, getting out of control, which weirdly, did feel familiar.

"I wanted you to hear it from me, and you don't have to believe me, but I was gonna tell you before leaving" he explained hopeless.

"Or maybe, you just wanted me close to keep me from reminding anything at all! Why did you even talk to me in the first place huh? Why couldn't you just tell the doctors who I am and leave it like that? And don't say you wanted the best for me, cause if you had done that, I'd be happy with my family by now and lucky enough to had never got the chance to meet you" I said once again driven by rage, cause even if in that moment it felt like it, not all of that was true.

"I was going to apologize when I approached you the first time. But everyone treated me like this broken sick person, and you didn't. You were kind, without expectations or misjudgments, I couldn't let that go." He said with a selfish sincerity. "I'd never met someone like that, so..."

"Innocent? A blank page? Someone who doesn't know any better? Someone who can't even remember who she is? Yeah well, who's fault is that?" I said ironically, when Johnny appeared at the door with a concerned face, probably because of my yelling.

"What the hell happened?" He said more serious than ever.

"She found out" Jack replied, as a million of sad knives stabbed my foolish heart. There was a moment of silence, Johnny looked straight at me, speechless for the first time.

"You knew?" I said as betrayal smashed every little amount of innocence left in me.

"No Kiara, please listen to me, I can explain" He began to defend himself tripping over his own words, but I couldn't hear anything, confusion and rage didn't allow me to. It's not easy feeling anger, sadness, betrayal and heartbreak all together and for the first time.

"Get out" I said pointing at the door.

"I was going to tell you but he-" Johnny tried to add, but I was sick of hearing those words.

"I said, get out. Both of you get out now" I replied and shut the door as if it could keep dark feelings away.

Not a single tear had fallen through my face, I guess that's how shock works. But then, in that room alone and not only physically, sad tears began to fall down my face one after another. Air became heavier than usual, which made me slide in the door to end up sitting on the floor, crying, with no one to hug or comfort me. And what was even worse, is that I couldn't think of anyone I'd like to be there comforting me. I had been tricked by myself into thinking that I wasn't alone, but it was all a lie. There was people out there who loved me, I was sure of that, but I didn't care about them cause I couldn't even remember them. What's love worth for if it isn't a shared one?

It used to be hard for my once empty mind to understand how people were able of letting friends, parters or lovers turn into strangers after being an important part of their lives. It used to seem cruel, impossible even. But what I'd been missing is that the people I so desperately relied on had never stopped being strangers. I wish I could tell you I'd been estranged from them, but for that , you have to have the pleasure of truly knowing someone first.