The girl behind the bucket list (1D Fanfic)

Alone

Hey guys so this was written on my phone so yeah.... sorry for any spelling mistakes. anyways..... enjoy lovies

JULY'S POV.

Sometimes I wonder why am I still here? How is it possible that I have made it up to my 17 years, it sounds nearly impossible. Sometimes I actually think on giving up on that stupid list and to just end it all. Nothing really makes sense anymore, nothing really matters. It's been nearly a month since I haven't gone up to a maniac episode, it's been quiet a long time since I feel a thing. So I'm deep deep deep in the dark blue sea of depression, worse thing is that I just keep on drowning. 

Laura is pretty scared, I can feel the way she already knows how I could leave any moment. She's always around, telling me stories, making jokes and trying to cheer me up. She tries so hard that I just put on a fake smile to give her a little hope. But it's a lie, there's no hope left for me.  

"Isabelle?" she waves her hand on my face after she finished rambling about something I really don't know of. 

"Were you listening?" She asks. 

"Uuhh... yeah" I lie. 

"Do you wanna go out tonight?" she asks. She asked that because she knows getting drunk makes me feel better, and right now getting drunk could be the only thing in the world to make me laugh, weed would do that too but ew. 

"If you let me get drunk" I say slightly rolling my eyes. 

"I'm not allowing you but I know I can't stop you from drinking" she says bringing over a red long sleeved dress to cover my recent scars. I don't really care if she sees my scars but it's still uncomfortable and weird. And to be honest the red blood dress was triggering me so bad, but I swallowed it in. She sat my extremly dirty and stinky white converse next to my bed where i layed.  

"you should probably buy a new pair of those and wear socks, they stink like dead animal" She says wrinkling her nose and i half laugh but it quickly disapears. "Go on. get dresses" She fakes an English accent.

*******

Everything was blurry, words were hard to form with my lips, and walking was fucking hard. Yeah.... I'm drunk. 

"Ugh isabelle!" a strong english accent man holds me up from falling. "What are you doing?" he asks, making his accent sink in my ears. I can't really tell who it is, probably because right kow he seems two-headed. 

"I'm juft wrreeadeeyyy too parteyy" I say tipsily walking to the dance floor. 

He snorts and on a blink of an eye his strong arms wrapped on my chest and on my knees and quikly picked me up, I felt untop of the world. His strong biceps were like floating on clouds, his warm chest was coforting me like a mother bird comforts her newborns, and his heartbeat danced with the beat of the music. His breath was heavy causing it to tickle my ear and his hands holding on my knees made me feel.... made me feel..... how does it make me feel? 

"I reeaaley don know who yioou aar bot i theink i wanna marreyy yiiou" I say and a giggle that I don't control comes out. 

He carries me into a car after talking to whom I think was Laura. I don't know who this man is, and I'm scared, but a part of me doesn't do a thing to fight him because when he was carrying me to his car I felt..... I felt..... How did I feel? 

"Wharree..,." I tried again trying to sound less drunk but it clearly didn't work, "Wheree aarr yiou taeeiking meey?" 

"Do you wanna go home?" he asks but oh shit Mark's home. I promised him I wouldn't drink, I promised him I wouldn,t come home smelling like alchohol or cigarettes anymore! but I failed. And I guess alcohol made me feel worse so for some reason at all I start crying. And sobbing. I cried like a baby. 

"hey, hey" the unkown english man stopped driving, he parked on the side of the rode and pulled both of his tatooed strong arms down my knees pulling them towards his. After my legs were laying on his he wrapped his arms in my tiny waist and efortlessly sat me on his laps. He pulled my head into his chest and curled my knees against his long torso. I digged my forehead into the curve of his warm neck where I could smell his cologne.  

"It's okay if you don't wanna go home" he said playing with my hair and hugging me tight. I needed that hug, but for some reason it just disn't work, I just cried harder because even when I was in this man's tight hug I felt so fucking alone. 

"where do you wanna go? Do you wanna eat something?" 

Loud sobbs, "NOOO" I cried harder, like a new born. 

"You can come to my place" He whispers, "I can make you some tea, and we can watch some movies" his whisper is strong, warm, and soothing, calming. Like a drug, Like medicine. I nodded my head 'yes' on his chest and he repeatedly whispered "okay". And he drives, with me in his lap, to wherever his home was. 

When we got there my eyes were closed, I cried so loud for a moment that there was nothig inside me anymore, i was empty again. He caried me to a familiar bedroom and laid me on bed, he sat on the edge of what I guess is his bed and stood up amd walked to the door. When I opened my eyes and saw his back I noticed who this man was, and the fact that it was him for some reason made me feel something in my chest. 

"Harry" I whisper my voice cracking about to cry. He stops walkig and turns. 

"Yeah?" 

I wanted to tell him to lay with me but I just couldn't. 

"Nothing" I whisper. 

He clears his throat, "I... erm.. I'll be on the couch if you need me." I smile back in a thankful way. But the insyant his gone the whole on my chest forms again, the lump in my throat forms too, ad a cold rush runs through my whole body. And I feel alone. 

I couldn't help it anymore so I stood from bed and despite the dark hall I made my way to the couch were he layed on wearing his jeans and no shirt. 

"I don't...." I wanted to gie him an excuse of why I wanted to lay with him, of why I wanted his warm arms around me, of why I needed him so bad right now..... but I had none. 

"Shh" he whispers standing up and layig me on the couch, He lays next to me really close and he wraps my arms around his long torso, "it's okay" he repeats. 

And because I lay here with him, because he cuddles me, becaus of his warm heavy yet silent breath on my neck,because of his lip slightly brushing my neck every few seconds, because of the feeling of his precense.... maybe it is okay.