The girl behind the bucket list (1D Fanfic)

Why not?

   Isabelle's POV.

  I was spinning Natalie on my arms, and her laughter filled the room.

   "I'm getting dizzy!" She said laughing, but I kept spinning her tight in my arms with the little strength I did not have.

    Laura enters the room and takes Natalie away from my arms. She stares at me with piecing eyes, and I look back at Natalie who's face turned the color of watermelon flesh, probably from the dizzyness.

   "God, Isabelle!" She hisses, "Do you wanna kill her?!"

  "No, I don't." I say, "But I wish God did"

   I probably shouldn't have said that. Her piercing stare becomes both hurt and pissed at the same time, "I'm sure you didn't mean that" she mutters.

   I wish I didn't mean it. But I do. I mean, isn't it cruel to let a girl whos dying be capable of feeling. She stares at herself in the mirror, and the way she runs her hands through her bald head where her flawless ginger hair used to be is shoking. The madness in her eyes as she stares at her sick body, Just like me. All you can see her feeling towards herself is hate, anger. She's only fucking 5 years old. And this disease won't kill her by itself, but along with anger. I can see her growing up like me. I can see her, 14 years old and already stuggling with this eating disorder shit. Do you even know what it's like?

   To be torn by food?-FOOD!- It's fucking pathetic yet so hurtful. You are not sure of what you want more, to stop the hunger pains or to just be skinny. Do you know what it's like to wanna take a bite of an apple, but something inside you doesn't allow you. You want to bite that stupid apple so bad, but at the same time you know you can't. But you can, you fucking can cause normal people can, then why can't you? Why can't you just not feel like a failure every time you eat, even if it's a small piece just to survive, food makes you feel like shit; like a stupid-ass failure.

    Or she might even grow up to purging; bulimia. Something I wouldn't consider myself strong enough to do, I probably am. I have tried to throw up, I work on it, but it never quiet works. And I have the full filling that I hate, that feeling when you eat and your stomach is not groaning. So you go to a bathroom and you sit next to the toilet. You pull your hair back into a pony tail and you sob. You cry and sob like you're about to kill someone, but what you're going to do doesn't kill anybody, but eventually it will kill yourself.

   So then you hug the toilet like it's your best friend, cause it actually is your best friend for a moment. That toilet is gonna take away what's hurting you so much, what's making you cry this bad, what's making you sobb, what's making you feel like a failure, what's making you feel so worthless, what took your hunger away; That toilet is gonna take away that stupid food out of your stomach.

   And all of this hell I live, I can see it in her eyes. The way she look at herself in the mirror, how she hates her image, and her illness.

   Cruel? I'm not cruel because I wish god killed her, I'm nice, honest, and concerned. I'd rather know she's resting in piece than living this sickness (cancer), surviving it, and then growing up hating herself. Standing right were I am.

  "I do, I do mean that" I say nodding my head. Laura dropps natalie and tells her to go play, she glues her eyes back at me and I can see anger in them. But there's something else, something that let's me know she's hurt. She's always worried about me, I mean, she's my best friend. And she loves me, no matter what I say, no matter what I think, No matter what I do. She understands me, well, most of me. She's the closest person to understanding, because let's be true to ourselves, who can understand someone so unstable like me?