I Did Some Reflecting

Chapter 2: My Insecurities Linger

This seems to be a modern day problem that affects everyone. Society makes assumptions and comparisons and you're put into a position to examine your self worth and image. There have been numerous events that have occurred in my childhood that have casted a dark shadow on my well-being as a whole and even today the effects of such events arises. Everyday i would ask myself "Am i normal?", taking into consideration that at the time of childhood, i was not yet educated enough to understand that being different is okay and even presently, (being 21) i have not yet fully grasp that statement. "Am I weird?" A question I ask myself unto this day. You see, I am beyond grateful and thankful for this life but when comparisons and contrasts are being made daily you are left with no choice but to investigate yourself and life decisions. Some may argue that as an individual you need to over come these struggles of life, they say, but do we all have the physical and mental capacity to do so? Again situations like these vary from person to person and you're either the victim or perpetrator but most of the times we are both. Yes, you and I judge. it's either done directly or indirectly. A trait currently being played out in our Guyanese society infixed and indulged by our older generation. Some of the fortunate victims slowly recover from their support system or by themselves while the unlucky ones scramble for a sign of light. It seems like a horror story but it's actually happening in the minds of some of us and the attacks and venoms do infect and leave a trace of damage from my point of view.

Note that! I grew up privileged, in that everyday i got a meal to eat, i got a shelter over my head to sleep and clothing and other necessities were provided for me. But mentally, i was suffering inside a bit. During my childhood phase, i grew up as a skinny boy or as a Guyanese would term it, i was "magga". This was probably because of genetics, my poor diet or just how the body works, Who knows! And the comments and suggestions being thrown and levelled against me definitely affected my mentality and masculinity side. I questioned myself whether i was a "normal boy". Would i have the potential to be a man and engage in the activities associated with being that gender? Even today those thoughts linger in my mind. This phase definitely affected my ability to communicate and interact with other boys, there was always this underlying fear that i just couldn't be there or fit in and communicating with them was even harder. These occurrences give rise to me becoming an introvert and exhibiting the behaviors associated with the personality trait. I was always home in my room and was rarely seen outside unless i was forced out by my family to visit other family members or to attend a special occasion. But to be very honest! I was happy to be in my room; i was able to be myself, be expressive, creative and it gave me alot of time to think and make online friends. People however, would often assume that i am that spoiled, lucky boy who gets to be home all day. But at the same time i knew i was losing out on all the social skills necessary to thrive in a society like Guyana and i was very much interested in engaging in those activities but i lacked the know how to even initiate such a drastic shift. Verbally, this statement "you need to get out of your room and walk around" was constantly being voiced by many individuals around me and the feeling of abnormality rose to new levels.

As the beginning of my teenage phase approach, my insecurities skyrocketed and the list expanded. I was secretly shamefaced about my appearance, attitude, and social skills. Especially my crocked teeth, boney body, how people viewed me and my lackadaisical social skills. All this time, I kept that happy face out as if everything was good because i felt why complained, when i am this fortunate enough to enjoy life necessities when many other out there couldn't. I became very venerable to comments and opinions made by individuals especially random strangers. My self esteem plummeted straight to the ground and gush, social media made it worst. These occurrences contributed to me making a decision to stop attending services at my local mandir because i would always sense a pressure of social anxiety along with the added responsibilities attached to attending services at the local madir (people had expectations of me there). My family was very concerned about this change but they had little insight to why this decision was made, they thought it was a juvenile thing. I always remember the pandit saying "As soon as boys hit their teenage years, they drop out of mandir and engage in other activities" and to this day i think he probably associates me with that statement too. (It's an assumption) .

However, like economics, life gives you multiple variables and as an individual you have to choose between them and in the process give some up (opportunity costs) . Whatever variables you choose, that will determine your outcome. By now, it's evident that i have some mental issues to sort out and i need to find ways to resolve them and evolve as a person to find happiness and stability and polish myself to survive in a society like Guyana that is highly engaged in socializing and dependent on link building. As i grow older everyday, i am becoming mature, getting experienced, and becoming less susceptible to personal attacks and opinions. I suspected that if i had better communication skills, things would have been way different today but my shy personality and upbringing acted as a barrier.

The fact of the matter is that resources and help are available out there and i have to get my indolent self up and do something about my short comings to assure that radical and permanent changes are made. But hey, i am just sitting down and reflecting. For now my insecurities linger.