___________________________________
Dear past self,
Remember to take care of yourself. Tell someone about your pain. Don't burden yourself. Don't make people cry.
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Jade POV
"Are you alright?" Mom asked me at the dinner table. "I'm okay, why?" I replied. "Nothing, your face looks like you have something going on." She said. "Oh, I just spaced out. That's it." I said, giving a small smile. We continued to eat as usual with the occasional little conversations and laughs.
When people say phones and gadgets were a distraction from reality, I thought it was bullshit. But now, I have come to realize that this was true. Ever since that specific question, I became self-conscious of how I'm feeling. Was I really okay?
A few months after, I had a dream that made me question myself further. A dream of my mother ignoring me and telling me I'm that one girl that everyone wants to slap because of how annoying I was being. Soon after, I started to quiet down at the dinner table than usual. Every time I go for dinner without my phone, I start to overthink. As soon as I want to say something, I question, 'Is it something everyone would be impressed of?' or 'Would mom respond much or will it be silent?' or even 'Would I kill the mood?'.
On multiple nights, I would go up to my room in tears due to how much my thoughts were effecting me. Every time I open up Instagram, I would be thinking, do my friends even think about me anymore? Am I that boring?
Every day and night, I would think about the criticism my mom gives. 'She's too sensitive, you can't say anything.' 'She is just too gloomy for a bright colour.' I would always try to think of words that would make me feel less insulted when I ask for anything from my mom. I would try to force myself to believe that I need to focus on my science only to achieve my parents' expectations of being an engineer.
I know my parents want the best for me with criticism but I just couldn't help but feel put down by them. Am I that oversensitive? Am I that childish? I can't help but feel like a burden to everyone. It's hard to not think so when every time I go off my phone and sit in front of my parents, the feeling of being judged would impact my thoughts further.
"Jade, Dad told me that you were eating less than usual these days. Are you trying to lose weight?" Mom asked when we were alone. With the negative thoughts going through my head, my eyes began to water. I looked at her and lied, saying, "No, I just don't really have an appetite these days." I wanted to lose weight since my parents told me to either control my eating or exercise. Obviously, I would be lazy to do the latter so I picked the first option and now they wonder why I eat less?
I often distract myself by going on my phone or play instruments since it was all I could do. I would avoid social media to avoid the feeling of being lonely because of not talking to anyone outside my house. I would avoid opening Instagram stories to avoid the feeling of being a foreigner in the group of friends I have.
I would even wonder if I should get one of my friends a gift in fear of them thinking, 'Oh, I forgot how close I was to her.' while I was still thinking we were considered close. I would wonder if I should text them in fear of them wondering why I would text them. I would go on my private Instagram account just to think 'Wouldn't it be burdensome to make people listen to your problems and make them feel annoyed with you?' and tap out of the app just to distract myself with watching videos on YouTube.
I miss laughing with friends that were not just some school acquaintance. I miss the times I would be having fun with friends and didn't feel self-conscious. I miss the feeling of gossiping with friends about a crush and teasing. I miss socializing with people without the constant fear of being the rebound and being left behind when they find someone better. I miss trusting everyone in my life to not talk shit behind my back and just feel safe around them. I want my childhood back.
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Here I was, at the balcony. Feeling ready. I took my phone out and started texting a group that has died long ago. I wanted to tell them through a song. (Play 'listen before i go' by Billie Eilish.')
_____________________________
dumbasses on crack
take me to the rooftop
I wanna see the world when I stop breathing
turning blue
Aria
Excuse me, what?
Fiona
Jade what's going on?
Luna
^
tell me love is endless, don't be so pretentious
leave me like you do
Aria
I'm sorry if I did anything wrong but like fiona said, what's going on?
if you need me, wanna see me
better hurry
cause im leaving soon
Luna
Oh where are headin?
Fiona
Wait, this sounds a bit suspicious from the first sentence
sorry, cant save me now
sorry, i dont know how
sorry, theres no way out
but down
Fiona
Jade, whatever the fuck you are doing, don't do it
taste me, the salty tears on my cheek
that's what a year long headache does to you
Luna
What happened the past year?
i'm not okay
i feel so scattered
don't say i'm all that matters
leave me
Aria
Everyone go to her apartment
Now
Fiona
Just hold on, we'll get there
Luna
Until then, don't go doing anything please
if you need me
wanna see me
you better hurry
i'm leaving soon
Fiona
We're on our way Jade
sorry, can't save me now
sorry, I don't know how
sorry, there's no way out
but down
Luna
I'm almost there
call my friends and tell them that I love them
and I'll miss them but I'm not sorry
Luna
I'm just around the corner Jade
call my friends and tell them that I love them and I'll miss them
sorry
Luna
JADE ISTG DONT DO IT
FUCK
Aria
WHAT HAPPENED
Fiona
WHAT DID SHE DO
______________________________
3rd Person POV
Luna froze in shock with tears prickling her eyes as she tried to process what she had witnessed. She then dropped to the ground with tears streaming down her face nonstop and sobs coming out of her mouth uncontrollably. She felt her phone buzz and looked to see Aria's name at her phone screen.
"Luna, what's going on?" Aria asked through the phone. "J-Just get here first." Luna said with a shaky voice. "Alright then." Aria said before ending the call. Luna then got up and ran up to the body she had seen drop from a balcony.
She couldn't believe what she was seeing. The pale body of Jade that was bleeding in her arms. She quickly got her phone and called for an ambulance as she hears the last heartbeat of Jade. "Goodbye, Jade." She said before another tear runs down her face.
fin.
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