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panic attacks

Wanda helps you during a panic attack

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I have been struggling with anxiety ever since I can remember. I think it got a lot worse when i became a teenager and my parents' expectations, constant fighting and their neglect simultaniously kicked in.

You see, my parents were poorly educated and not so much financially stable. That lead to them projecting all of their dreams and extremely high expectations on me, which actively put me under a lot of pressure and fear or failure.

They also had their marital problems. I honestly can't recall a signle day in my house where my parents didn't fight. My dad's loud voice filled with anger, objects hitting the ground and glass shutter noises became triggers of my anxiety, fear and eventually my panic attacks.

That is the reason why, after almost 20 years of leaving my old life and my parents behind, I still get triggered by loud noises or yelling.

It is also the reason why i was hiding in my room curled up in a ball in the corner having a pani attack after i witnessed a fight between Tony and Bruce. The fight wasn't actually that bad and they ended it on good terms but infortunately I could not control my reaction to it.

I was sitting on the couch in the living room in the Avengers tower with Wanda,watching a movie when I heard the door open and Tony and Bruce came in, talking- well yelling at each other.

"I thought you said this was gonna work" said Tony angrily at Bruce.

"Well I can't really control the outcome of an experiment now can I" spat Bruce loudly back at him while hitting his fist loudly at the counter in front of them.

Neither of them had noticed mine and Wanda's prescene. While Wanda was looking at them watching the scene unfold, I immediately started bitting on my thumb-habit I had developed as child when I would hear my dad yell- and my eyes wandered around the room while my brain was sending signals of panic.

Suddenly, I shot up from my seat and I run directly at my room while insuccesfully trying to get my breating back to normal. When I reached my room I shut the door and moved to the closest corner of the room, brought my knees up and put my head on top of them while rocking back anfd forth in attempt to calm down.

I couldn't calm down though. My heart was pounding at my chest, my breathing so heavy, my mouth was dry, my palms were sweating and my mind kept having flashbacks of my childhood.

I felt hopeless. I felt like nothing could ever calm me down. Nothing could ever stop something so stupid that was happening because of my dad's actions 20 years ago. I felt stupid. But I also felt like this huge bookcase was falling flat on my chest and I couldn't escape. No,no I couldn't escape- I couldn't breathe. Fuck I can't breathe.

That's when I felt hands on my shoulders shaking me trying to get me to look up. I panicked even more to the thought of someone seeing me in this state. Then I heard Wanda's soothing voice saying " Hey Evie, hey it's okay, it's just me Wanda, it's okay- you're okay".

That's when I looked up and found her looking at me, worry written all over her features. I reached out and pulled her down where I was, I wrapped my arms around her waist as my head found itself in the crook of her neck and started sobbing. She hugged me back, running her hands all over my back in attempt to soothe me while whispering "it's okay, I got you" in my ear.

We stayed like that for what felt like hours until i eventually calmed down and pulled away from the hug. Wanda looked at me, still worried but also a little relieved to see that I stopeed crying. She put a strand of my hair behind my ear gently as she smiled at me. "Better?" she asked, her voice so soft and tender. "Yes. Thank you, Wanda" I replied, my voice raspy from all the crying. She kissed my temple in response and then we stood up together and put on the movie we were watching before, cuddled up next to each other for the rest of the day.

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This is basically my feelings and experience during panic attacks.