As Told by Muya

The Mirror

 I wish there was a way out I wish I could escape from her, but where do you run to when the person you're running from is the same one you see in the mirror everyday? There's always been this disassociation between me and the girl in the mirror. A detachment between the woman my family wants me to be, the woman the world perceives me to be and yet who I truly am is still a mystery to me after 17 years. The many pieces of my carefully crafted personality, the personas I constantly switch between like clothing, shatter in front of me with this mirror, into a million different pieces.

I kneel down to pick the biggest piece enough to see my whole face. I use this piece of the mirror like a magnifying glass observing each part of my face, my wide nose and lips, dark skin and coily hair I was still learning to love. I always hated mirrors because that was where I crafted her, where she practiced her smile that wasn't too eager but just right, where she practiced articulating herself so the people around her would appreciate how well spoken she was. Where she occasionally fought and battled with her large, thick afro to tame it and make it less distracting more acceptable, where she pieced together the right version of herself for the right occasion she had practiced and mastered perfection. Looking at her now I couldn't be more disgusted. I recognized her face but didn't feel like I knew her, 'Who are you Thandie?', I asked myself out loud, when did we disconnect this far?

I had somehow managed to develop a par asocial relationship with myself watching my daily routine and social interactions with people rather than experiencing them first hand. It felt like I was watching my own life happen through this glass this soundproof mirror because often I could feel myself screaming with everything in me to get out but to no avail. I felt like I was suffocating beneath the layers, the layers of the 'acceptable' black girl, 'presentable hair' and academic achievements that had measured my worth for so long.

I look down at the other pieces on the floor of my bathroom and see different parts of my face through them like a kaleidoscope and look back to the one in my hand, refocusing on my face in one frame. I wanted to study this version of myself to get to know the girl under the layers. This girl with the luminous dark skin dark brown eyes and kinky afro she was still learning to truly love. I'll piece together every piece and learn to love her.