Crash and burn

Going in circles

Have you ever just wondered, "what's the point?", and see this can apply to basically everything. Well don't let me get ahead of myself.

I was driving with my mom the other day and it was silent, save for the music playing faintly in the background. I got to thinking. It's funny really, for someone who overthinks everything I never seem to have a free moment to just sit and think. Well this night I did.

Imagine this- I'm gonna try to paint a picture the best I can- its around 7 pm, the sun is close to disappearing and its raining. Vague, I know, but it's more than nothing.

Now me and my mom aren't necessarily close, but we aren't completely cut off from each other either.

At my house it's a weird situation where I don't even feel at home in my own house. And no I don't say this in search of sympathy. I really am just trying to broaden the picture. I tend to do that a lot. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to write. Being a famous author was my dream. No not like my dream I had when I was 8 and I wanted to join the Jonas Brothers band. A dream that I believed could come true.

I'm rambling.

As I was saying, at my house most days are mediocre at best, but when they're good.. they're great. I tend to try to grasp onto that airy feeling as long as I can, but like all things it dissipates with the right amount of pressure.

Well this day. It was one of those great ones. I can't say why, I'm not exactly sure you'll understand but trust me it was perfect.

So I was driving and not to sound like a cliche, I was staring out the passenger window. Not focusing on anything in particular. Just unwinding.

I started to think. About how we live. How we grow up, going to school. Learning all these random things just to graduate and use close to none of that in the future. We are expected to work 9-5 jobs, 5 days a week sometimes even 7. And for what? To provide for our family before we can truly provide for ourselves.

I know that not everyone is going to grow up and start a family, I'm just talking generally.

And there's another thing. Why is that the general idea? Why does that get to be the societal norm? Would it be bad to make the general focus.. say something like running away to join the circus, or graduating to go backpacking in Europe, trekking through the Andes, swimming with the dolphins. And God forbid I consider.. wait for it.. skipping college. I can just hear my school counselor crying at the thought of that.

All of this thinking brought me to the notion that I want more. I do want to travel. Don't get me wrong, I want to go to college, I want to get a steady job, I want to be successful. But I don't want all that at the expense of my happiness. I've grown up caring more about the people around me than myself, and that has hurt me mentally. I'm okay, most of the time but..

I want more.

I don't know, maybe this is just me rambling again. Putting ideas out there that don't need to be heard. You just seem like you will listen. I don't know you, but I feel like I do. You seem.. special.

Did you even get what I was talking about? Maybe not, maybe you did. I'll never know.

I'll be back soon, circus animal ;)