Being Different

If I Admitted

Apparently, after the whole situation, I took of my shirt, and then started making out with it. Then, I threw two beers at Louis and screamed, "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! You stole my sister, and I heard what you said on your Instagram live, you fucking homophobe. Lexi calls me one, but she doesn't realize her own boyfriend. No wait, Fiancé. Have a great fucking life and leave me out of it." Then after Louis and Lexi left, I kissed almost every boy in the party. Now, I don't know if this actually happened but Shelby filled me in the next morning. 

Later at the party, Jacob was all 'over' me. He started kissing me, and I put my hands inside his shorts. I don't remember any of this. Then I took him up to my room, but Shelby was in there. Why was she in there?  I apparently got extremely upset immediately and I dropped to her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it". She caught me from falling and brought me up. "I didn't mean it" I repeated. 

Now, the next part is the only part that I remember vividly for some reason. 

"Okay Shannon, lets go home, I'm really horny" said Jacob. And although, I wasn't looking at him, I knew he was smirking. He then grabbed me away from Shelby, and pulled me in towards him. Then he slowly started kissing my neck. I still remember his warm breathe on my neck. I moaned loudly. I remember hating his heavy breathing. "No-o" I let out. I didn't want it. I didn't want him. So, I pushed him of me, and ran back to Shelby with my hands wrapped around her waist. "I think I got it from here" I heard her say.

"I brought you here, and I was gonna let you sleep at the guest room but I thought maybe you should change. So, I brought you to my room, and then, before I knew it, you were puking on my bed. Then, you sobered up a little and started apologizing, but then again you started sobbing. Also, this happened all over my bed. Then, I changed your clothes into something comfortable, and I put you on the guest room."

She changed my clothes? 

"I'm so sorry, where did you sleep?"

She CHANGED my clothes?

"Oh I crashed on the couch, nothing to worry about, I fall asleep there sometimes while watching movies"

SHE CHANGED MY CLOTHES

"Hey, you look" a pause, "extremely hungover. Why don't you go to the bathroom? It's past the kitchen, to the left."

I didn't say anything, just nodded. I slowly walked out of the room, and once I was out sped to the bathroom. I quickly took of my shirt, and had seen what I had feared the most. I was wearing a different bra than the other night. Maybe I just had switched it at the party. Maybe I was wearing a different one and had forgotten. Maybe when I was with Jacob, something happened. Or maybe..... Could it be? Why wasn't I angry? Why was I so insecure? I would never let anyone take off my bra without my consent. Would Shelby really do that? I quickly took out my phone ad called Lexi. I panicked. I didn't know what to do. After four rings, she picked up.

"What? I thought you wanted me to live my life without you or something?"

"Lexi! Lexi, I'm sorry for whatever happened, but I really need you to pick me up right now"

"No thanks"

"Lexi please"

"Ugh, fine. Where are you?"

"I'm at Shelby's house"

"Then why can't she just drop you off"

"No, please no, I just have to get away from here, she is trapping me"

"What?"

"Lexi are you coming or not?"

"Okay fine I'm coming"

"Don't forget to bring me breakfast, I'm starving"

"It's 2pm"

"Wha-" she hung up.

IT'S 2 PM!  I had to attend a book club meeting at 1:15! This day was going horrible. 

"Ahhhhhhhh" I screamed with all my lungs.

I heard someone run towards the bathroom. Fuck. God I can be so dumb. I heard her knock very gently on the bathroom door. She knocked twice, but it was soft. Loud enough to be heard, but soft enough that I could just pretend like I didn't hear it, and jump out her window. "Are you okay in there?" she asked ever so politely, yet still with a hint of worry in her voice. 

I was remember her tones. I was analyzing her voice, and how high and low it went when she was speaking. I imagined her repeat the word, in different situations. That was when I knew. I knew what was happening. I felt it. I didn't admit it. I couldn't admit it. I would hate myself if I admitted. My mum would hate me if I admitted. My relatives would hate me if I admitted. I didn't want the few years my mum has left spent on hating me. 

"Hello?" Shelby yelled louder.

I opened the door and speed walked to the main door while ignoring her gaze. "Hey, I should drop you off" I heard from behind me. "No, Lexi is coming" I said harshly. I regretted it instantly. I wanted to apologize but I didn't. I had to stay strong. I stood there, still for another 10 minutes, and I knew Shelby was standing there too. We both didn't speak a word until Lexi came. "Good morning hoe" I heard from behind. My sister smiled, while I remained quite. Lexi looked at me, then at Shelby, and then back at me. "Start the car" 

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Have a good one guys.