Accept Me

FOUR

It's dark by the time Pap gets home. Wait no, scratch that, it's midnight by the time Pap gets home.

I haven't bothered going to bed yet. I haven't bothered doing anything but smiling.

Fortunately, when Pap drunkenly bursts through the front door I've changed into some pyjamas, and the fairy-wings are tucked away.
Unfortunately Pap has company.
"That was wild, " a high pitched thrilled voice screeches.
The imposter stumbles upon a floorboard and raced forward, my Pap catches her by the elbow, flinging her back to stance. The woman looks flustered suddenly, taking in her surroundings. She doesn't even notice the 8 year old splayed over the sofa, unfortunate not-smiling.

She sniffs. "This place is alright." she laughs again. "How about your room now?"

It's more like a demand now. May I see your room? No. Your room, we're going to it now.

My Pap doesn't even notice me. He doesn't notice his little boy, lost in view, like a deer in the headlights. He doesn't notice the helpless look on my face. He doesn't even notice I'm wearing my sister's old purple shorts and pink tank-top as pyjamas.
I feel like running before he notices.

Too late.

The imposter wanders her little hazy eyes toward me. My breath intakes when I see her stare into me.

Literally into me. She looks into my soul and sees me. I'm not too sure what she's seeing or if she likes it or not.

A smile widens her pretty flustered face and her cheeks turn pink and welcoming. She turns to my Pap, mouth agape into a shocked smile "well this is a surprise."
My Pap narrows his eyes at me, scanning me.
I abruptly sit straight up, hiding my shoulders.
I feel naked in the strangest way.
"You did not tell me you had such an adorable little princess!" She squeals.

My Pap opens his mouth, abruptly to try and speak but the girl is already racing toward me giggling.
"You know..." she begins "I love little girls I had two sister an—"
"Actually—" I begin but my Pap cuts me off, and when my eyes follow to the stern voice I see the scowl he's wearing.

"This is my son. " he grits. "This is my boy, Danny... Kaitlyn. "
The imposter whom I assumed goes by "Kaitlyn" although my Pap has a terrible case of forgetting random women's names I decided she was Kaitlyn. And I didn't know what I thought of her, expect she was the first person whom ever truly saw me. For the first time.

It made my brain itch.

Kaitlyn froze. She went pink. Except not the welcoming rosy-kind pink the oh my fucking God, someone kill me now-pink.
"Oh Don— I..I didn't..." she trails off and I'm sure I just ruined whatever mood her and my father were in before they saw me.
"Please Kaitlyn. It's fine," Pap sighed. "How about you go freshen up in the bathroom upstairs to your left. I'll meet you in my room. " he dismisses her in a not-so the playful way you'd usually address someone by what I assume what they were about to do.

Kaitlyn keeps her head down, as she strides out of the room. Walk of shame. I thought. The Walk Of Shame was usually used in the morning when she exits the apartment.
But the Walk Of Shame soon turns into the drunken walk of shame when she stumbles on another floorboard and catches my shoulder, steadying herself.

When Pap and I are alone nothing is said. My Pap has fierce breathing. Especially when he's drunk.
Especially when he's scowling.
"I hope you didn't drive home," my Pap cuts me off with his hand.

"Don't do that." He grits out.

"Take that fucking thing off. I don't want it on you!" He scowls.
"You're my goddamn son, this isn't you. I fucking hate it."
I blink away tears. I feel the old-Danny slowly claw his way back into my soul. The unreal, manipulated Danny. The one that refuses to be herself.
"No." He said, although I said nothing. "Don't do that with me son. You're not a fag. I keep telling you that. " i assume he's speaking to my tears. I assume he's talking to a brick wall by the look in his face.

My Pap sighs. Then he starts walking past me, striding. He should be doing the walk of shame right now, not Kaitlyn. But all the shame is aimed at me. Slowly haunting.

Pap stops mid-track before the door.
"We'll get a haircut too. Scratch that. A nice clean shave, we can start fresh."

My heart staggers.

The fact that my Pap is referring to me as 'we' is hypnotising. He sees me as a replica of himself. And he'll have himself how he likes it. I have no control.
I have no control of him and if He is Me...then I have no control of myself nor who I am.

My eyes are clenched shut.
And when the door clicks shut, I wince. I'm alone with two people.
The person, my father wants me to be and the person that I want to be. That the universe wants me to be.

But the universe has no control. My father has control.

I thought about what Kaitlyn had said.
Adorable little princess.

She sees me. She sees a girl.
But what my father sees is a fraud. An imposter of his son.
And my Papa can say I'm not a fag, all he wants.
If fag means girl...

Then I'm afraid I am indeed a fag.

And I need to do something about that. I think I know what to do.