Accept Me

FIVE

AURTHOS NOTE; TW// -self harm. (Suggestive of self-harm in dream suggestive of self harm/suicide). I didn't expect to write this so dark and actually this chapter is concerning as the writer. I hope it's okay. Really hope I don't upset anyone with this chapter that would suck so much. It just sort of happened and I wrote it. You have been warned. 

Ok ty =) <3

Chapter five

"Can I move schools?" 

It's been six days since night where Pap bought home the girl. The one that saw the pure me and bloomed. That's what I want in life. I want exactly that. its just out of my reach, as if I'm too small to possibly reach the top shelf to the outcome I anticipate more than life itself. 

Papa arches a brow. "Um--" I interrupt by involuntarily stuttering. I pinch my lips shut, shame washing over my face. this is nothing like I thought it would be. its awkward, and forced and confusing and...uncomfortable. 

"And why would you do that?" he asks ignorantly. My voice wavers when I speak. I thought about rambling on about Danny, his daughter, the little girl. My lips are once again sealed, isolating the truth. "please," is all I can manage. My eyes are on the floor. 

I'm guilty of a crime I don't know how I am currently committing. Born into this world male, gave me an advantage. a free pass to the world, where everyone would stand to the side and watch me while I did everything that I wanted. I could bring pretty girls to my bed, flash my dollars and flip people off in highways, I could be intimidating and aggressive while everyone would clap and praise me. "there's a real man!" the piercing words ring in my head. Such a world, where both genders would be treated equally is non-existent. I want my label as a female, and stand by it as one not giving a crap about the "real man" and serving the femininity-label justice. My heart bloomed, but I was overtaken by the fierce scowl...

"I'll walk too school every morning, I'll do everything without any help and without a word, Pap." I said desperately. "I just..." I fight back the tears. "I want a fresh start..a fresh start thats all." 

A fresh start to my life... Eventually, he just leaves the room. 

Later...

My closet door was hanging slightly ajar, slightly open. It was creaking slightly. I began tightening the blanket over myself in the pitching dark. Fight or Flight overtook me. I heard whispers from the open doors. Whimpers, lots of them. I touched at my head, and the harsh prickles of short hair struck me. Panic emerging from me. it was short. Very short. Cleanly shaved. The clothes on my skin were too tight, preventing me from breathing. I was wearing a plain tank top and tiny-whites. I hated it. But then, I couldn't slide them off. As if I were paralysed in a frenzy. I felt the tears well up behind my eyes. But they never actually fell. My face actually felt very dry, too dry. Like the skin over my face was strained and stretching across my bones far too much. Like the skin was creasing, on the verge of positively breaking and disappearing. The closet door creaked and wept again. Fear struck above my face. The door abruptly swung right open, my skin tightening. The raw truth of what is happening... the edge to scream clogs up in my throat when I see...

A girl, hair down to her toes. She was wearing a floral skirt and fairy wings. She had on a lot fun bangles and jewellery. This was me. A fantasy version of me that had slowly built up in my head whom I dreamed about at night and dreamt of clouds and castles and little girls with bangles. The girl was crying. Her face actually swelling with hurt. "hey," she whispered through the dark, angry. I don't know why she was so angry. "hey, Danny.." she said again. "I don't live in a castle. I live in here. it's not very nice, is it?" I shake my head aggressively. "I also have all your hair." she said. "now do this." she bought her hands up to her throat, I followed the motion. She then began pulling with harsh force. I twisted at my own neck repeating the actions thinking nothing of it until I can't breathe and it's too late to stop. I'm paralysed in the movement again. And I can't stop doing it. 

I wake up gasping for air. My face was soaked with tears and my closet was sharply clicked shut. I proceed by taking off the butterfly pyjama set, out of shaking fear. Taking a deep intake of breath, halting my eyes shut, I slowly open the closet. The only thing that sit there are the fairy wings. 

I need a lot of help.