Terrified •all american•

Chapter 34: Trauma is a bitch

(A/N. Question of the day, how do you think going back to James house will go?)

I woke up to a beeping sound. From a few trips here within the past year I'm able to realize that it's the heart monitor in the hospital. I look to see if I am wearing a cast on any of my limbs and are glad to see none.

I feel something on my face and reach to feel it. Stitches on my forehead. That's fantastic. Then I turned and see Preach fast asleep in the chair next to me. In his hand holds mine. Stress is etched into his sleeping figure.

"Dad, wake up," I said softly and used my free hand to shake him.

I wanted him to know i was okay. He stirred and when he saw me a smile stretched across his face.

"You okay?" He asked me and I nodded my head.

"Who all has been here?" I asked.

"Darnell came before he left," my heart sunk.

I didnt get to tell him goodbye.

"The bakers and JJ came by today, but went home to rest. Spencer and Asher are still here. We need to talk about something, child."

"What's wrong. Am I injured?" I asked as fear raced through me.

"No. And thank God you arent hurt. But the car. Its totally destroyed, " he told me.

"That's the last thing I had from him," I said and started to panic.

"What's important is that your safe," he told me and pushed some hair from my face.

"No! It's not! That was his car! Preach I destroyed the last thing my twin brother gave me!" I said and started to cry.

He didnt argue with me. Say I'm being irrational. He just brought me into a hug as I sobbed. That was his car. His last living memory in me and its destroyed. And part of me feels like I'm letting him down.

Asher came in as soon as Preach left.

"How are you?"

"How bad are the stitches I'm my face?" I asked asher.

"You look beautiful, Nix. Even with stitches. I have a question and please be honest."

"Okay," I said a bit confused.

"When did you start again?" He whispered.

I looked down to see wristbands that werent on my arm before there now.

"I was here first. I know you wouldnt want anyone to worry about that along with the car accident so I ran to the store and put them on your arms. No one has questioned it," asher said keeping his eyes down.

"This summer. It started again."

"I'm sorry."

"Ash, this isnt your fault."

"Yeah. But I wasnt helpful. I did you just as wrong this summer."

"Alot of people did."

"I want us to be normal again. We used to tell eachother everything and now we dont even talk."

"I'm sorry."

"Its fine. But I want to fix this. I will do Whatever it takes to fix it."

"Me too. Let's just leave summer in the past," I sighed.

He agreed. After that the nurse came in and said visiting hours were up. I fell asleep with my nightmares running wild.

Dream

"Shawn?" I was confused seeing him sitting in his black car.

"I cant believe I failed," he sighed and punched the steering wheel.

"Failed?"

"I thought the shooting was going to take care you. It didnt. Then I thought the car wreck would work. Instead you ended up fine and my car I totaled. How am I supposed to get rid of you?" He said sighed at the end.

I was stuttering trying to form words.

"I hate you Pheonix. It should be you dead. Not me."

I woke up and sat straight up. I was panting and struggling to breath. I stumbled into the bathroom and grabbed my from my phone case. I took them across my wrist over and over again getting pleasure from the red lines.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed,"I'm sorry it was you. It should have been me."

By the time Preach came to pick me up i was composed and calm. We walked out of the hotel and i asked if we could go by the cemetery.

I walked in and walked over to Shawn's grave.

"You were the best thing in my life and now your my stuck point. I feel as though this is ironic and something out of a book. Well the author of our book is a bitch," I told him.

"You did alot of good for me. And it isnt fair but I do blame you for getting shot. You joined a gang. You chose to roll with tyrone cause it brought more paper. You decided to cross him. You decided to let coop handle him. You made alot of decisions that led to me being shot. I got in a car crash and was more worried about your car then myself. It's not okay!" I yelled at the end.

I was happy no one else was here.id probably seem crazy yelling at headstone.

"But I forgive you."

And I did. I forgave him. And I did feel better. Once I was done I went back out to meet Preach. He put his arm around me and led me back to the house. I went to my room and facetimed darnell.

"Your alive!" He yelled.

"How are you holding up?" I asked him.

"I'm good. Feels better to be in germany."

"She will be okay, Nell," I said told him.

"Hows your stuck point?"

"I finally realized that it was okay to be mad at him. And that is one of my biggest revelations. I'm sorry I couldnt say goodbye," I told him.

"This isnt goodbye. We will always be friends Nix. Distance wont separate us. I need to head back to check on my mom. Love ya nix," he told me.

"Love ya, Nell."

He hung up the phone and Preach came in with an envelope.

He threw it on the bed and left me room. On the front read from Shawn.

Before I could open it I received a text. It was from Spencer.

Spencer

Heading where corey died. Dont want to be alone.

Pheonix

It dont mean I forigve you, but I'm in. I need to escape to.

I packed a bag and snuck out. I needed to be away. Even if it was just a weekend. i just had no clue what was to come from the weekend.