Ella...

THREE

Ella,

April 17th 2021.
(1 year later)

Happy Birthday!

I wish that i was there celebrating with you like we always do.

Instead, I'm sitting in between your mother and mine talking about how lovely you were.

Your mother is doing better, better then i am to be honest.
She's finally stopped crying in the night, her baggy eyes have gone down and it seems like she finally is sleeping now.

For me, i wish that all i could do is sleep.
Thats the only thing i can do in order to see you.

Well anyway, my dads with my brother making us food.
Bay and Brody are playing in front of me, as i stare into space. The voices of both mothers mumbled in the background.

"She was just a very precious girl, isn't that right Alex"
Did someone say my name?

"Alex" my mum nudges me.
"Oh yeah, yeah she was a star. Very, very precious." I ramble.

Eden comes rushing in with food stains everywhere, as if he was the baby.
"Dinners ready, Ella's favourite. Dont ask why I'm so messy."
My father then stands in the doorway, "we had a food fight just before he ran out here."
"Well if i didnt then you'd of splashed me with pasta source again."
Everyone smiled at my dramatic brother, as for me, i just faked one.

Sitting by the table, with your favourite food to celebrate your 18th.
Spaghetti And Meatballs was something that we all enjoyed, but for some reason I didn't enjoy as much this time round.

Could possibly be because you wasn't sitting next me, talking about random things you'd come up with.

For example, like how was your day?
Whats been on the news?
Did you hear this?
Did you hear that?
There's this "thing" going on....
Etc

God i miss your voice, your rambling, your sweet smile and the way you'd twirl the fork on your plate, gently so that it doesn't make that awful noise that you hated so much. How you then took the spaghetti twirled on the fork into your mouth, and tried not to talk out loud when eating it. Only to start up a random conversation again when you've swallowed it.

Bay and Brody in their highchairs, the mess is beyond me.
Spaghetti everywhere, pasta source everywhere, meatball chunks everywhere.

After diner, i helped my dad and brother clean up because I couldn't handle the conversations that our mothers were making.

So when the cleaning was done, thats when i went outside and sat on the steps by the door. With my head in my lap.

"Dont cry, dont cry... dont cry" i kept saying over and over again.

The lump grew inside my throat, felt like i was suffocating but today was the hardest. Today hit hard, harder then the others so far.

I just wish that you was here, so yeah tonight I'll spoil myself.
Be selfish even... let my family take care of the kids while i stay out here, tucked in my own knees. Hugging them.

Just allowing myself to ease a bit. Cry it out.
I dont know what I'm doing.
But i know how i got here.
I'm going to stay here for awhile.

Which ended up being all night.

Love Alex.