Sincerely yours, River

Day one I guess

Dear who ever is fucking reading this,

    I'm not really ✨thriving✨ rn so ima rant here. My head is throbbing ,that's fun right?Anyways, I want to try to tell my mother I'm depressed. Like bro ,it's getting outta hand. But she wants to send me off. So I've decided I'll deal with it on my own until I am able to pay for my own medication to get myself antidepressants. Maybe even therapy. That sounds nice right? Anyways I'm failing French. I have no motivation to do school work. In fact I've lost motivation to do most things.Is that bad? I can't stop crying about literally anything. My day to day routine consists of my constantly trying to distract myself from my thoughts. It's not working anymore, just in case you were wondering. I'm exhausted. Physically and mentally drained.

    That's fun right? No matter how much I sleep and do absolutely nothing I'm still so fucking tired. It's great tbh. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. I've been this way sense 7th grade. My mother doesn't believe me when I say I'm tired. Honestly if it was up to me I'd sleep for 10 hours. I just want to sleep. I don't even want to dream, I just want to wake up and finally feel rested. You know I don't think it's really set in that anxiety and depression are life time mental illnesses. I guess I've always assumed when I get older it would just go away. Stupid huh?

    I've taught myself to stop crying when I hear foot steps approaching my room. I've been doing it for a while now and I think I've finally perfected it. That's something right? Next up is learning how to be a pretty crier. My face scrunches up when I cry and it made wrinkles in my smile lines. I guess now people just think I smile a lot . So I guess it's not a bad thing.

    Do you think my parents know that I'm fucked? I mean Jacob new before I opened up to him. He knows when I'm going to have an anxiety attack he knows when I'm really tired or just depressed, he knows when I need space and when I need comfort. But he's my best friend, not my family. I feel like he has an unfair advantage. But still. I mean how blind can they be? I want help so bad but they don't notice. Damn I sound like an attention whore. I mean I guess I really don't want my parents to know. I feel like they would look at me completely different or just think I'm doing it for attention.

    You know sometimes I think I'm doing it for attention. Like I just want people to pay attention to me, to feel bad for me. But freshman year I got that. I fucked up Alex found out I was depressed and decided to tell all my friends and keep me on suicide watch. Which honestly just made it worse. It made me feel like more of a burden made me feel a type of hopelessness I can't describe.  Sarah checked my arms every morning to see if I cut. Dumb asses actually thought I'd be stupid to cut my arm. Do they think I'm an attention seeking bitch?! I'm not that pathetic. I know the first place people look when they find out your depressed is your arm. Im not that predictable.

Sincerely yours,
River