Sincerely yours, River

Day 3

I'm shaking. I'm shaking a lot. I'm back on my regular medication. It helps me focus. But it forces me to focus on things I tend to block out. It makes me doubt everyone around me. I already have the same thoughts anyways. But it just forces them to the front. I hate it. I constantly want to cry. I want to be happy again. But obviously it's not that simple.

    I want to get on antidepressants. I want to try to get better. But if I tell my mother she would send me to a psych ward. She thinks depression equals suicide. She would tell people. And when I get attention for my depression it just makes it worse. I just feel like I'm more of a burden. Freshman year my friends found out. They tried to help. They constantly asked me if I was okay checked my arms ( like I'm stupid enough to cut my arms). I got so much worse than. I felt as if I was a child, with people constantly looking over me asking about my day ,offering to help me with every little thing, they acted as if I was a hopeless child. I know my mother would do the same. To be honest them putting so much attention on it made me want to kill myself.I'm fine now. Kind of. I thought about doing it the other day again. I'm obviously alive. I'm tying here rn.

    I've been clean for 17 days. It's getting harder. I just want to feel pain. I need to feel the pain. You know , you never realize your so dependent on something once it's gone. Ik cringy right?

Anyways fuck You ,
River