Searching For Me

The Past

Regret

Can I rotate the time
Is it possible to rewind
How much is my fine
A quarter, penny, or dime
Seems like in reality I'm tied
Spirit, Soul, Body in divide
God I am so sorry I lied
Got distracted, lost I won't even deny
Not a cat with 9 lives
An attack of the enemy
Like bait ridden disguise
Now with all my effort I try
I can't reach mountains with a short climb
I was busy playing with fire
I feel so weak, drained, and tired
My faith talk makes me liar
In six months I should have went farther
My growth was not built proper
My foundation has severely faltered but now I realized it stemmed
from the mistakes I will always regret

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was the week before spring break and I was so desperate for a boyfriend. I had the skills and abilities to get one, this wouldn't be the first. I may not be popular or the most beautiful,but my character and personality always had a way with people. I lived by the moto that even if I don't have the looks  my character will stand for me. And it did, who I was, it was perfect and so unique. But I lost this part of me.

This guy started texting me out of the blue. When I tell you he was fine, I mean dark chocolate double fudge Sunday fine. And he was like me Christian, he was perfect. But I couldn't just be like "Boy I like you". At first it was just attraction but then feelings started to arise. He told me how much he loved my personality. For the first time I wasn't the one arranging the love, and putting my feelings aside. I was living it out. And it felt great someone liked me for me...kind of.

I thought that for the first time I found the one, and it would be the most romantic story for the books. But it wasn't. Things started going left. He went from calling me beautiful to calling me ugly. When I thought highly of myself he shut me down. And when I tried to fix him, he just pushed me away. Then he disappeared. I wanted to fix him. I wanted to help. But for a month I couldn't talk to him. And I was thinking of what I did wrong. Sister said it was all my fault. I kept him up at night and wouldn't leave him alone.

He became so toxic and I just wanted to make it work. Because of desperation and luv it blinded my perception. Somewhere in that blur I became a love sick zombie chasing after love like it was a life source. And it gave him all the control. Because to him I was a big joke. So I cut it off and didn't give him another chance.

He texted a paragraph to only delete. And to be honest, his pride wouldn't let him take defeat. So I knew he wasn't remorseful. I choose to heal and move on for me. But he kept trying to come for me. Like he couldn't let me go. And it felt nasty talking to him. It felt like I was dragging my heart with rocks and dirt.

I then had bitterness in my heart. I resented this person so much, to the point I could no longer feel love but pain. It made me hate myself. Why was I so stupid? Why doesn't anything ever work for me? Why do I get the shorter end of the wish bone? I saw love happening and working all around me, but when it came to me it all crashed and burned. I began to feel like there was no hope. And that there was always someone better than me. I wasn't the prize, but the second option and no one would actually want to be with me without me liking them first. My self-esteem took the biggest hit. Everytime I wanted to catch feelings I would have to put myself down, and that's how I lost feelings. It made me very depressed. And began to loose myself. Loosing everything that was part of my identity.