Searching For Me

Past II

In the midst of being lost. I began to blindly follow passion. Then another fling came. At first I tried to fight off my feelings. But then I gave into passions and I begin to slightly chase him. Playing my tactics on all front lines.i always get what I want when I want it. I felt the emotional high. I was in the moment where I began healing.  Maybe this is the golden calf to save me from my journey to the promise land of healed. I followed my plan and then got what I wanted a little too fast. First red flag. I kept going with it. Got his number. Texted a few times. Got to know each other we are now friends. Moments go by we make our moves. I think I like you. I read it as. I think...I think I...I like you.  Then I said me too. He was lost. I said yeah I like you too. He didn't really get to see me, and I asked why. He said I reminded him of someone he used to know a friend, an ex. Second Red Flag. I then remembered he was 18. That's a case. Third Red Flag. I wanted to run, but then I felt like I was mature, grown enough to handle a whole man.

Things started out okay. He kept asking to really be my man. Then it felt like a he wanted to be in control. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I tried do hard to make sure he was happy. I didn't want to make him mad. Stayed up late with him. He looked like he was alone. I remembered when he told me a story of betrayal and he couldn't get over it. It must of have hurt. And I wanted to really be a good friend, but my heart felt another way. He still asked to be mine, but my spirit didn't agree, so I had to keep saying no. And he would get upset and I felt bad, why don't I just accept.

I am trying so hard. To help him. But I feel like there is nothing I can do. Surprise. He shows me a few paragraphs. I read them. I saw the name. I remember having a feeling that he liked her. I read all those words. Words that I longed to hear. Words I thought should be directed at me. Words not for me, and said to her. My heart sunk. It dropped in my chest. Why are you so stupid? Did you really think he liked you? She is pretty, can sing, has the body, the smile, the look. She had the beautiful Latina accent. And she was so nice to me, I couldn't be mad at her. I could only wish to be like her.

I felt worthless. This was like a slap in the face. I don't know what to do, I have tried to tell her how I feel and she doesn't care. Yeah man I know how you feel. I stayed up talking to you, fighting my sleep to make sure you didn't feel like you were alone and sad.  Nights when I felt depressed, nights when I felt alone too. I put my feelings aside to make you feel better. And when you smiled I began to feel okay. At least you're happy.  Even when you accused me of being disloyal. I would tell myself 'If only you knew how much I love you'. Did I actually know what love was?

I asked you "I thought you like me"?. And I got the same statement I heard before. I thought we were just friends. Yeah you're right. I am just a friend. I was so hurt. I was a loyal puppy only to get kicked aside. It hurt me so bad. I asked him if he liked me. Then I asked if he liked her. Both answers were yes. I was baffled. How can you like two people at once. I asked him if he thought it was okay. When he said yes to that, I was done. The audacity of some people.

I went off and told him straight. I was angry. I was hurt. And I felt so sad inside. I wanted to run away. My heart felt like it was shattered in pieces, scattered in all four directions. I was feeling the thorns in my soul, it made have hatred till I was scorned. I could hear the cries of my soul. Make it stop. Make it all go away. But I didn't have the glue and stitches to fix this. So I wandered through the forest of depression. It hurt to smile at times. And I just wanted to be alone.

Funny enough he texted again. And I was so hurt that I forgave him and welcomed him back I should have cursed him out. I should have shut him down. He kept telling me I wasn't the same. And I pointed out the obvious. And let him back in. The time for me to have vengeance or used to be sorry myself and gave in.

But then I regreted it. I texted but he kept on ignoring me. Only texting me when he was bored. I took matters into my own hands I finally blocked him. No more overlooking our conversations of the past. I started to heal.