Numinous »« Bucky Barnes

EIGHT

nepenthe (n): something that makes you forget grief or suffering.

Days pass, and they're empty for the most part. Not even nightmares keep Bucky company at night, and he's not quite sure how to feel. Of course he's glad that they're no longer present, but there's always the overwhelming silence that seems to scream in his ears, and everything just stays white. He just stands there, waiting for the woman to come back. She never does.

Everything constantly seems empty. Bucky's found himself gazing out at thin air for the most part, expecting the woman to suddenly come walking back into his life, but nothing. Only a month, and it's been a week since she's disappeared and he's been in a horrible state. Dreams leaking through to reality.

A sigh sounds and his gaze snaps up to Doctor Raynor, only to realise she's been asking him questions all this time and he's not been answering. Unable to say anything, he just watches her.

Finally, she shifts, putting the notebook down on a table. "Okay. We're going to be going over something today that I feel is necessary. We went over it near the beginning of our sessions, although I'm pretty sure you were paying no attention. We're going to be going over the five stages of grief."

He doesn't bother hiding his groan. "Is this really nece–"

"Yes." She narrows her eyes at him. "You've been going through these stages, as do most people when they lose someone close to them, so this will help you prepare in case anything happens again."

Once more, he can't help but remember someone missing from his life. Not Steve, but then again, the woman left of her own accord, too. It seems everyone's leaving him.

His voice is empty. "Who do I have left to lose?"

For a moment, Doctor Raynor's eyes are soft as she watches him. But only for a moment. Then she stands up, going over to the closest wall before pointing her pen at a poster with five large bubbles and writing he can't quite care to look at. "I think you'll find yourself surprised in future. So, like I said, grief has five stages. The first stage is denial.

"Grief is an overwhelming emotion. It's not unusual to respond to the intense and often sudden feelings by pretending the loss or change isn't happening. Denying it gives you time to more gradually absorb the news and begin to process it. This is a common defence mechanism and helps numb you to the intensity of the situation. As you move out of the denial stage, however, the emotions you've been hiding will begin to rise. You'll be confronted with a lot of sorrow you've denied. That is also part of the journey of grief, but it can be difficult."

She doesn't look away as she quietly realises, "You still think he's coming back."

It's like a bucket of cold water has doused him, frozen him all over again in the ice, mind screaming for help. He thought he perfected his poker face a long time ago, but here this woman is. In his own head. Knowing all his secrets.