Numinous »« Bucky Barnes

NINE

ya'aburnee (n): "you bury me"; the hope that you will die before your love because you cannot live without them.

It's like space, with starts glimmering in the distance, big and beautiful.

But no sooner than it appears, they all fade, and he's suddenly falling into a dark hole as yells tear through his throat, fear taking over his mind like a parasite before snow starts catching in his eyelashes. He recognises this night all too well, but it's not the same.

Rather than falling off the train, he seems to be floating right back up to it, everything playing in reverse, painfully slowly. When he reaches the train, the flicker of pain on Steve's face cuts straight into his heart.

All of a sudden, it's fast. Everything's going by in the blink of an eye, never staying in the same scene for more than five seconds, words muffled and overlapping in his ears to the point he just wants the pressure to end, for the pain to end, for the memories to end.

Everything, like taking out the HYDRA camps, forming the Howling Commandos, being saved by Steve, being captured in the first place, a dark alleyway, all the way back to the Stark Expo. Finally, a memory he's comfortable with, a memory that doesn't cause him antagonising pain and makes him want to tear his hair out.

"Come on," he finds himself saying as he heads over to his best friend, shaking his head slightly. Of course. It was wholly Steve, whichever form of his appearance, to try everything he could to help people. "You're kind of missing the point of a double date. We're taking the girls dancing."

"You go ahead. I'll catch up with you."

A sigh shakes Bucky's frame. "You're really gonna do this again?"

"Well, it's a fair. I'm gonna try my luck. Like you're going to try yours."

That makes a slight chuckle escape his lips, although something nervous seems to crawl its way into his chest. He has no clue why, not remembering some of this. The night feels like a strange blur in his head. "Not luck." For the first time he can remember, the 1940s Bucky shows the slightest bit of anxiety. "I mean, going off to war tomorrow isn't great for the circumstances, but... it's not luck."

"No." A smile flickers onto Steve's lips. "It's not."

Then a buzzing in Bucky's ears as suddenly he finds himself moving all over again, fast-forwarding this time, and his vision blurs and eyes spark with tears as he realises he might be stuck in this limbo forever.

Stuck in his own mind.

The thought terrifies him, and that's when he realises that it's been enough. He can't let his mind control him. He can't keep this charade, continue being torn in different directions, flung like a plaything of the universe whenever it sees fit. He refuses to let his mind gain control of him again.