Servant, Maid, and the Child Parent

I Have No Mother 3/25/21

I've told this story to countless people at this point and I think it's time I try to get it down in my notes.

Having a bad relationship with your parents is kind of a taboo in our society, when you explain to other people that you don't speak to your parents, they kind of assume it's your fault. Like ahah I get it. I've had blue hair for 6 years, 12 piercings: 4 of which are facial piercings, and my ears are stretched at 9/16s. I have over 25 tattoos and I've been dedicated to my specific sub of goth for years. I look like I made my parents hate me.

God I wish that were the case. I wish I did something wrong to make my mom mad and that I could just call her and tell her that I'm so sorry and that she would forgive me for whatever dumb thing that people think I did to not talk to my parents. I would do anything for my mom to love me you don't understand. When my life falls apart all I crave is that unconditional love of a parent to hold me and tell me that I'm going to get through this. They can tell me what I did was wrong. They can scold me and tell me that I was stupid but they would still listen to me and tell me that they love me and make me feel like I'm not so fucking alone and lost in this world.

I grew up without a dad. Maybe I'll write about him one day but the short answer is that he lives 5 minutes away from me and he's kind of a loser and I hope that I don't run into him when I'm buying cigarettes at the gas station at weird hours.

What I really came here to talk about at 2 am and denied sleep is why specifically I stopped talking to my mother. I was a mommy's girl growing up. She was all I had and all I was allowed to have. Of course I bonded to her like glue. In my first tale here, I talk about that fateful Christmas that allowed me to move out, I had a sort of relationship with her for a few years after that until I was told this story by my sisters.

I have four sisters, I don't want to put in their real names so I will refer to them from oldest to youngest as:
Hailey
Rose
Alexandra
Persephone

My mother's name is Mary, I think I'm okay with using her name.

I will probably continue referring to them as such in any future writings I post here after this one.

Anyways, here we go.

I found this out from stories between Hailey and Rose sometime after this actually happened. Hailey told me what happened on Christmas 2017. Rose gave me the rest of the story when she visited me in 2019.

It was a cold winter day and apparently Mary was on some sort of shitstorm with my girls.

That day she told Rose to clean the garage and locked her in there for hours while it was freezing cold outside. She ignored Rose's begging and crying to be let out and left her in there until Hailey realized she was in there and let her out.

Apparently my sister Alexandra was being bad that day, and she's the reason for my decision, but let's give her some backstory first.

My sister, Alexandra, is profoundly disabled. She was born with clubbed feet and could not walk until past 2. She was born with a micro-deletion in her 12th (14th?) chromosome where she is missing 11 genes. This could be hereditary but its unknown. She also has what is called Polymicrogyria. Her brain has developed too many small folds and she's missing grey matter from her brain. The condition is primarily located in her Occipital lobe and to my understanding, should mainly either directly impair her vision or at least give her cognitive dysfunction in translating what she sees into perception. My sister is non-verbal but comprehends others. I know that speech processing and creating speech are actually located in two different parts of the brain. "Wernicke's area" is the ability to talk, and lies close to the occipital lobe, so her non-verbalness makes a lot of sense. It also makes sense that she can definitely understand what you say to her and can respond in her own way when you speak to her.

Sort of unrelated, and I haven't done research on her in a long time because frankly, it scares me. Last time I checked, people with her brain condition don't live past adolescence. She's 9 and I never get to see her. I love her so much and I hope she knows.

Back to our scene.

Alexandra was apparently being "bad" that day. I'm not sure how bad a 6 year old without the capacity to speak can possibly be but I wasn't there (thankfully, I would be in prison if I was)

Guys she made my mom mad.
I don't know how she did it but she did.
I heard this from Hailey and Rose who were 17 and 12(?) at the time.

My mom screamed at Alexandra
She told this sweet little girl that can't speak for herself and is going to need full time care for as long as she lives:

"You're a retard and I never should have had you"

There's saying toxic things in anger
There's saying things you don't mean in anger.
My babies told me what happened.

Mary thought about what she just said to Alexandra and said it again

"You're a retard and I never should have had you"

You don't think about what you say and repeat it.
You don't say that to your baby.

How can you say something so vile.

So nasty.  

So just fucking disgusting to your own CHILD. 

She came out of you. You* (Me and then Hailey after I left) raised her.

She can't speak to you that doesn't mean she can't comprehend what you just said to her.

Alexandra is the sweetest little bean with the most precious smile. She can be "bad" but Mary insists on raising her like a normal child which isn't true. She has long list of needs and to this day needs help just going to the bathroom.

Hailey was 17 and moved in with her boyfriend that day. She's been done with Mary ever since. I haven't spoken to Mary outside of specific necessity since my babies told me about this.

I always said that my abuse was fine.
I can put it behind me.
I'm the oldest child so I'm naturally worth less and can take the weight of all the mistakes of parenthood.
All I wanted was a better life for my babies. I love them so much and it's times like this where I feel selfish for moving out and leaving them behind.

They deserve so much better than the life I had to live growing up.

I can never forgive her for what she did to my precious girl.