The Legend List

Chapter One

Top Five Differences Between Mary Queen of Scots and Me (Harper Price, no royal title):

5. Mary was fluent in Latin. I barely made it through tenth grade Spanish- I only passed because my mom signed Senora Gomez's collectors copy of People Magazine.

4. Mary loved to golf- like, a lot. I try to avoid anything that involves wielding potentially dangerous weapons and/or balls, and instead stick to all couch-bound activities like reality TV marathons and cuddle sessions with my guinea pig, Wynonna.

3. Mary used to wash her face in white wine. I stick to the three dollar Neutrogena I've used since middle school. It's much less glamorous, but it smells like grapefruit.

2. Allegedly, my girl Mary was involved in a scandalous affair with a Duke who later helped her plan her husband's murder. I've never had an affair (or even a romantic encounter of the non-scandalous variety) due to my inability to form a coherent thought when any guy I'm interested in is within a four mile radius.

1. Mary was born in a palace in Scotland. I was born in a hospital room at the Lincoln General, where the doctor almost dropped me onto the cheap linoleum. Luckily, the nurse next to him caught me in a (hopefully unused) bedpan. I doubt Mary Queen of Scots was ever referred to in her local paper as the 'bedpan baby'.

According to my weekend of extensive research, Mary Queen of Scots was only six days old when she took over the throne from her father. She was the ruler of Scotland and France by the time she could've legally bought a scratch ticket. I, on the other hand, was spending my very last morning as a high school senior staring at an eight-foot-tall nude painting of my mother riding a unicorn.

I mean, sure- it's probably super easy to rule two countries when you don't have to do homework, or chores, or run a plate of your mother's gluten free cookies to Mrs. Peterson across the street every time she tries out a new recipe. I bet Mary even had people who were hired just to put her dress on for her every morning. High school would've been a lot easier if I had my own dress people. But not even eighteen years of putting on my own clothes had prepared me for staring at a disturbingly lifelike portrait of my mom with her nipples just barely covered by a unicorn's flowing mane before breakfast.

"So? What do you think?"

My mother is Penelope Price- the greatest thing to ever happen to our town. She was the star of a wildly popular sitcom in the nineties called Laurie's Life that became kind of a cult classic. She played Laurie-- the peppy main character who moved from her quaint midwestern town when she landed a job as a model in Los Angeles. The most exciting thing to happen around here before Laurie's Life graced television screens across the nation was when a truck tipped over downtown and spilled a million frozen turkeys all over the street. It was the middle of summer, but the whole town decided to take advantage of the situation and celebrate Thanksgiving early. So around here, even though it's been about twenty years since the last episode aired, my Mom is still a pretty huge deal.

"It's... I mean, wow."

"I know." Mom fluffs up her blow-out, never taking her eyes off our new living room focal point. "I asked Stephan to make me look at least seven years younger."

I check the time on my phone. Seth is going to kill me. "Yeah, he totally nailed it, you look amazing. Is it okay if I go now?"

"I still can't believe you're graduating high school. It feels like just yesterday Grandma was walking you to the bus for your first day of preschool while I was in New York shooting my Vogue cover."

This is honestly my mom's idea of a touching memory of my childhood. While I was growing up, she was always busy with casting or photoshoots of press conferences. She wasn't acting much these days, but she's been busy launching a line of hair extensions and starting a promising career as a motivational speaker. I never met my biological dad, but Mom lovingly refers to him as 'the director'. He's some Hollywood big shot that she had a steamy one night affair with after the 2003 Emmy Awards. She's never actually told me who he is, but every once in a while she gives me a look and it makes me wonder if I turned out anything like him.