Aromantic

Gender and Aromanticism

For those of you who might not know, gender is a social construct. Who gets which roles and clothes in society and who doesn't is a complete social construct. Gender is what you perform for the rest of the world, and the moment you realize that what you're performing isn't what you want, is when you realize that gender isn't all it's made up to be.

I realized recently I was nonbinary. I spent a while looking at genderqueer people and thinking "wow, I wish I could be like them". And you know what, that thought in and of itself is enough grounds for a little introspection. If you're already wishing you weren't part of the gender binary then maybe that means you're not part of the gender binary. 

I don't experience dysphoria, and I am lucky for it. From what I hear, that's a terrible, terrible experience a lot of trans people have to experience. I do experience euphoria and gender envy though. A lot of my friends' initial first impressions of me were that I was a boy or nonbinary, and thinking back on it, that made me really happy. The idea that people could look at me and not immediately categorize me as a girl was so exhilarating. When people refer to me with pronouns other than she/her, I am so incredibly happy. As for gender envy, there are people who radiate "cannot be labeled" vibes, and those are the kinds of people I strive to be.

Since quarantine started, I've started expressing myself more. Maybe not so much that my parents would confront me on being obviously queer, but enough that my friends find something to compliment every time I see them. I've experimented with piercings, different hairstyles, different pronouns, clothing styles, labels, flags, and I've found that lately I'm a lot happier with who I am. I am someone who doesn't completely identify as a woman, but not as a man either. I like presenting more masculine, but I also like she/they pronouns. 

This disconnect from gender is a common trend I've seen in aro/ace communities. I know that, as someone who's never been boy crazy or really interested in dating, I always felt a little disconnected from the girls around me, and from all those people in media telling girls that one day they were going to find a boyfriend to treat them right. I've seen other aros online talk about how after realizing they didn't feel attracted to people, also realized they didn't have to perform as a certain gender anymore. 

It's a trend much bigger than the aro/ace communities, actually. It's something I and a lot of other people have noticed within the queer community itself. There are a lot of queer people realizing that they don't have to "perform" the attraction they're expected to as an individual of a certain gender. 

The way I experience attraction and the way I want society to perceive me and my gender are interconnected and I don't need to try and completely separate them. I am someone who uses they/them and I am someone who doesn't have traditional relationships and I am queer.

a/n: so... it's been a couple months since i last updated...... hello again! i can't believe this story has gotten as big as it has, since i started it just as a vent about being aro. i'm glad so many of you have found someone like you in my writing :)