Dying To Be Perfect

A/N before this starts im just gonna say whenever <<< she's remembering things. >>> Back to present.

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-PAYTON SMITH-

"Payton! Lets go! Your going to be late for school!" My mum shouted up the stairs.

School. I used to love hearing that word. Everyone at school loved me. I was nice to everyone and they were back. But after my parents got a divorce - three years ago - they all started looking at me strangely and whispering when I walked by. In any other place, it wouldn't matter. But where we lived, it was a perfect type of town. Parents in love, perfect children, perfect lives. And on top of that, I had started stress eating. I was bigger than ever

I sat up and wiped my mouth on the back of my hand and flushed my breakfast down the toilet. I stood up and look into the mirror. I had small dark circles under my eyes. My cheek bones were prominent against my skin. The skin stretching over, pulled so tight it looked as if it would snap away at any moment.

"Payton! Hurry up!"

"I'm coming!" I yelled down.

I walked out of my en suite and quickly threw a sweater over my tank top to cover my fat arms. I adjusted my bag over my shoulder and looked in the full length mirror. Over sized sweater and jeans. A girl with long brown hair pulled into a ponytail. That's what anyone one else would see. I saw an ugly fat chipmunk. My stomach was bulging over my jeans and my thigh gap was non-existint. It took everything in me not to walk right back to the bathroom and throw up again. But I knew I couldn't. I didn't have any food in me.

~

I sat in my dest, neatly taking notes into my notebook. Trying my best to ignore the whispers around me. As soon as the final bell rang everyone shot up out of their seats. I stood back. If I walked out into that, I most likely wouldn't get out alive. I gathered up notebooks and pens shoving them in my bag. Slowly but surely, I made my way to the library. I helped out in there after school to avoid others. I started shelving books and turning computers off.

When I got to the 'Z' section, I looked around to make sure no one was around. I grabbed my bag and headed outside.

I slid down against the wall, resting on the pavement. All the names i had been called today flashed trough my mind. Ugly. Fat. Loser. None of them to face though. All either whispered as I past them or thrown at me in balls of paper.

<<<

I ducked down quickly, just missing a pencil as it flew past me. Papers came at me from all directions. I bent down and picked them up. I read them in private usually. I continued down the hall listening to the snickers and laughter as I passed. Someone stuck their foot out intending for me to trip over it. I avoided the large foot and kept walking. A second later whoever had stuck their foot out pushed me down, this time making sure I fell.

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I sat on the toilet cover in a bathroom stall, silently sobbing as I read the notes from my bag.

Payton,

Pretty slaggish name. Just incase you didn't know, your fat. Ugly. Worthless. I honestly don't know why I was ever friends with you.

-Mallory

Another one read that I was a disgrace to this school, this town, and my family. They all held the same information and insults. Just in different ways.

As soon as I got into my bedroom I threw my bag on the floor and raced to the bathroom. I grabbed my razor and made one slit on my wrist. I felt pain. So much pain. Yet so much relief. It hurt but felt amazing too. Just like it did the first time. Cut after cut up my arm. At dinner, I barely touched my food. But as soon as my mum had her back turned, I shoved as much food as I could in my mouth. It was weird. For a while I would eat as much as I could then puke it up. But then the next week I wouldn't eat a thing. I guess I couldn't decide witch I liked better.

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A/N

Short I know. So Payton is very skinny. Very, but b/c of the things she goes through she sees herself very differently.