Dying To Be Perfect

Chapter two

-PAYTON SMITH-

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I was so nervous. I held tightly onto my mothers hand as we walked down the long hall. Everyone was staring at me. Whispering. I looked at the floor as we walked. We finally reached the door at the end of the hall. The school counselors door. I took a shaky breath as my mum knocked on the door. Mr. Stanley opened the door and motioned for us to come in. We each took a seat by his desk. I pulled on my sleeves not wanting anyone to see the scars. Mr. Stanley sat down in his chair and faced us.

"So. What seems to be the problem?" He asked.

I exchanged a glance with my mother. Hers was confident. Mine, worried. Of course hers was confident. She was a lawyer. Always debating, always winning. She was positive she could get what we wanted. What she wanted. "Well, Payton is going through some difficulties here." My mum started.

"Well her grades are perfect and she isn't showing signs of struggling in any class." He said confused.

"No. More like, bullying difficulties." She said.

I hadn't wanted to come. My mother made me. She caught me cutting my wrist the night before and insisted we needed to talk to the principal. And the nurse. Then see a counselor.

Mr. Stanly turned to face me. "Are you being bullied?" He asked.

Here it is Payton, I told myself, your chance to make it all stop. I wanted to be saying, 'Yes. I am being bullied.' But what came out instead was, "No. I'm not being bullied."

"Payton. Come on. Don't be ridiculous. Why else would you being doing this?" My mum asked

"Doing what?" Mr. Stanley asked.

"It's not just the bullying that's making me do it" I said, mostly to my mum.

Another confused look crossed Mr. Stanly's face. "Doing what?" He asked.

"What do you mean?" My mother asked, ignoring Mr. Stanley.

She never was good at catching on. "Mum, I mean, you and dad sort of brought it on as well. You, you expect me to be perfect." I almost whispered.

She didn't like that. A cold, hard look settled on her face. She never liked being blamed for something. Especially for something like this. Or especially by a fourteen year old. She rose from her seat and motioned for me to follow her. I reluctantly followed her to the car-ignoring Mr. Stanley-and got in silently. I was so deep in thought I almost didn't hear my mother whisper the words that made me continue.

"I don't care. Do what you want with your body"

After she said that to me, I rushed home and cut all up my arm. I even started my thighs too. She didn't care anymore. She was the only one who knew, and let me continue. It hurt, but at the same time, I was relived. Relived that I didn't have to stop.

"Ms. Smith." The sound of my biology teachers voice snapped me back to reality. "Would you please answer question number three."

I looked down at my book, then the board. "A." I said confidently.

She shook her head ad moved on to the next raised hand. A perfectly manicured hand with perfectly tanned skin. Mallory.

"The correct answer is, C."she said.

It was right.

~

When the lunch bell rang I calmly walked to the cafeteria and gathered my food. When I paid, I walked to the bathroom and sat in a stall, practically inhaling my food. I finished on record time. I bent over the toilet and pushed my fingers down my throat. Everything I had ate reappeared in front of me. It burned, horribly, but I was relived it would be able to sit in my stomach any longer. Make me fat. When I finished I quickly washed my hands and walked to my next class.

Later, when I got home, I striped down to my underwear, stood in front of the mirror, and studied my body. All I saw was fat. Gross, ugly fat. All I could think of was why I wasn't skinny. I skipped dinner. I stayed locked up in my room. I only left when I needed a drink, or school. I started thinking of ways I could kill myself.

I sat on my bed, with a notebook in my lap, creating a list.

WAYS TO KILL MYSELF

1. Noose

2. Jump from the bridge

3. Knife

4. Pills

5. Car

The Jump from bridge was my favorite. There was a bridge in my town. It was very high and below it there was rushing water and jagged rocks. Only three people had killed themselves there. I liked the idea of it. I started planning everything out. I wrote two handwritten letters. One to my mother. One to my father. They deserved to know why I was doing it. I set a date for when I would do it. For when my life would end.

Dear Mother,

I figured you and Dad would want to know why I was doing this. But at the same time, you don't even deserve to know. You're a horrible, bitch of a mother. It was you. And everyone at school. But most importantly, it was me. The monsters in me.

Goodbye.

The one to my father was much different. The only person I ever really loved was my father. He cared for me. In his letter I told of how much I missed him. I wish I could see him. He was always very busy. And my mother had full custody of me.

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A/N

Crappy ending I know I know. Oh no! Payton's going to kill herself!!

Sorry about the short chapter.

If any if you go through this I'm here for you. Xx