Wtf am I even doing with my sad pathetic life. I really need to get to work on all the things I've been missing in school. I missed 3 days in a roll. 2 of which were excused. I took the meds for ADHD at like 11:00am this morning, it should be fine tho. I'm gonna have to get into gear if I wanna pass the 8th grade. I'm already older than most other people in my class. I'm like 15 rn, I should be in high school. I don't wanna be 16 in 8th grade, that would be a living nightmare. I know no one will actually see this but I just really like writing down what I'm thinking and feeling. My therapist said that I should keep doing that, but I won't write about some of the more important and private issues I have on here for anyone to come across. I may be an idiot but I have a bit of common sense. I've been on here long enough to know there may be some good people on here but you don't take any chances. Don't talk about personal things on the internet if they are important. It's important to be cautious on the internet. You never know who's on the other side of the screen, especially here on wattpad. There are a lot of young people on here and people know that. Just don't give any personal info unless you are sure you know who you're talking to. I should start writing things like this more often, it's actually kinnda fun ngl. My brother is yelling at the TV screen rn. GTA 5 can really piss people off. I like that game tbh. I like being able to drive around in the game. I've always liked driving around in video games. I also like racing games on easy. I suck at video games so I always put them on the easiest setting. I'm not gonna let my lack of skill keep me from having fun. Sonic racing is my favorite as of now. I've unlocked a lot of the characters, including Shadow. He's my favorite cause I really like edgy characters. They've always been my favorite. If we leave out the obsession I had with Barbie when I was younger. And a lot of other non edgy characters. After I turned 11 or 12 is when I started to get obsessed with edgy characters. That's also around the time that I started to have crushes on edgy characters and like edgy things in general. I take that back, I was obsessed with monster high since I discovered it's existence, which was when I was like 7 or 8. That actually influenced my fashion sense. Idk if I'm going through a phase or not, but I for sure know my mom isn't. She has always been interested in gothy clothing, she just started to actually dress the way she actually likes some time last year. I'm really happy for her. People complement her all the time, yesterday she got complemented at least 3 or 4 times by different people in different places. My brother and dad can be mean to her about her clothing sometimes, but they both have some issues that they need to work on. All of my family does, especially me, my brother, and my mom. My dad won't get help tho. My mom made the mistake of trying to fix him for years, but she found out the hard way that you can't help someone who isn't willing to change. He has done nothing but make her life a living hell. He has done nothing but make all of our lives miserable. He doesn't physically harm anyone, he's a huge dick and doesn't think about others around him. He'll do the dumbest things that negatively effects his family and others and not give a flying shit. He just drags us around like a little dog on a leash. He treats us like property, especially my mom. She can't have friends, or do anything a normal human is aloud to do. He acts like he's the only one who has problems that matter. Like he's the only one who has feelings. I'm just scared that I'm exactly like him. My therapist told me not to worry and that I'm not like him. I don't really know if I believe that tho. I would really like to, I just don't know if I can. It feels good to get all of this off my chest, I feel better whenever I write. I would recommend. It's really helpful. I sometimes get so emotional while writing my feelings that I actually cry. I always feel better after I'm done writing, it's almost like talking to someone. It's even better than talking in the mirror. But that's just my opinion, not the dame for everyone. Talking to someone is the best thing to do if the issue is serious and or life threatening, but writing out how you feel is a good way to calm down after a bad day or to keep track of your thoughts. you could also show your therapist what you wrote if you have a hard time talking about things with certain people like I do. I haven't done this yet but I'm gonna try it out when I go to the therapist again. The meds are working. I've been writing for hours. I really don't wanna stop rn, I just wanna keep writing forever. I'm typing on my chrome book rn and I've been typing for so long that my hands are going numb. I usually can't stop eating but rn I can't bring myself to stop typing and eat. I'm not even hungry rn. I barely ate today. The psychiatrist said that the ADHD meds can decrease your appetite, so she told me to make sure to eat healthy. And on top of that, my medical insurance didn't cover the meds for ADHD. The meds were a little over $200, but my parents still bought them. I feel kinnda bad and privileged because of that. Sometimes I get treated a little bit better than my other siblings. Especially my brother. He is a huge asshole sometimes tho. He treats my sister and mom like shit, so I get why mom has a rocky relationship with my mom. But I still feel kinnda bad. My sister isn't as privileged as me in some ways. My mom talks to my dad more than me tho. I haven't been talking with my mom as much as she has either. My dad treats my brother like shit, which explains why he acts so mean. It doesn't make his behavior ok, but it does explain it. The way my dad acts and treats us can explain why the majority of my family has issues. Have you or anyone you've known hated the silence? Hated being alone, the absence of other humans for comfort? Have you or this person ever turned on the TV in the background for comfort? That's what we are to my dad. Background noise. He doesn't wanna be alone. He doesn't actually care about any of us. And I'm terrified that I'll be just like him. He has BPD (border line personality disorder), and he is a narcissist. He has other issues, I just forgot what they are. I'm pretty sure I might have BPD, and I might be a narcissist. I'm not sure if I'm a narcissist but I definitely have narcissistic tendencies. Same with BPD. If I do have one or both of those disorders, hopefully I can get help for it. I wanna be the best version of myself, for the benefit of others and myself. I wanna feel like a whole and mentally stable person. It's been so long I can't remember how it feels. I know I'm not the only one with this feeling and I hope that they also seek help for their issues. If my lazy ass can do it, then I know they can too. I always put myself down cause I used to put others down to feel better about myself, and I still don't forgive myself for anything I've said and done in the past. I just don't know if I'll ever believe that I deserve it. I feel too ashamed and guilty. I just wish I could travel back in time and stop that from happening. I don't even know if that would stop me from becoming a bad person. I would've been best if I never existed, but it's too late now. My parents made the mistake of wanting a kid, so now we are all cursed with the existence of my life lol. I was half joking tbh. But I really do believe it would've been best if I was never born. My mom doesn't agree but I still believe that. I won't try and end my life tho, just try to fix it and do my best to become happy. Hopefully that is. I really need to find something else to do. I've been writing since 2:00pm. IT'S 4:00PM. And my hands need a rest. I'm probably just gonna go and watch a move or something. bye.
